Dr. Jay

A Sip Of Soda: How Soft Drinks Impact Your Health

2011-11-10T10:11:00.000-06:00

The Road Not Taken... by Robert Frost

2011-10-17T10:07:00.016-05:00

I was required to memorize this poem as a child. As an adult, I finally understand...

The Road Not Taken

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

Robert Frost (1874-1963)

How to Live an Extraordinary Life

2011-10-10T17:58:00.001-05:00

.... Live, Laugh, Love, Give.... PLAY!!

my prayer for thirst...

2011-10-05T07:11:00.000-05:00

adapted from The Pursuit Of God by A.W. Tozer

O God, I have tasted Your goodness, and it has bothsatisfied me and made me thirsty for more. I am painfully conscious of my needof further grace. I am ashamed of my lack of desire. O God, the Triune God, I wantto want You; I long to be filled with longing; I thirst to be made more thirstystill. Show me YOUR glory, I pray, that so I may know You indeed. Begin inmercy a new work of love within me. Say to my soul, “Rise up, my love, my fairone, and come away with me.” Then give me grace to rise and follow You up fromthis misty lowland where I have wandered so long.

In Jesus’ name. Amen.

Anyway...

2011-08-12T14:32:00.000-05:00

People are unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered,

LOVE THEM ANYWAY

If you do good, people will accuse you of

selfish, ulterior motives,

DO GOOD ANYWAY

If you are successful,

you win false friends and true enemies,

SUCCEED ANYWAY

The good you do will be forgotten tomorrow,

DO GOOD ANYWAY

Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable,

BE HONEST AND FRANK ANYWAY

What you spent years building may be

destroyed overnight,

BUILD ANYWAY

People really need help

but may attack you if you help them,

HELP PEOPLE ANYWAY

Give the world the best you have

and you'll get kicked in the teeth,

GIVE THE WORLD THE BEST YOU'VE GOT ANYWAY.

from a sign on the wall of Shishu Bhava, the childdren's home in Calcutta

taken from the book, Mother Teresa, A Simple Path

The Trees of Self-Defeat and Self-Realization...

2011-08-10T09:20:00.000-05:00

THE TREE OF SELF-DEFEAT

In the branches: Emptiness Alienation Apathy

Interpersonal Conflicts Crime

Dependency Alcoholism Addiction

In the roots: Fear Insecurity Resentment

Jealousy Mistrust Hostility

Guilt Self-Pity

THE TREE OF SELF-REALIZATION

In the branches: Purposefulness Health Joy

Self-Motivation Contentment

Acceptance Fulfillment

Creativity Peace

In the roots: Charity Friendship Forgiveness

Love Gratitude Kindness

Warmth Selflessness Trust

taken from the book: Mother Teresa... A Simple Path

The Guided Decision...

2011-05-09T11:06:00.000-05:00

In recent months I have become insatiably hungry for wisdom. I have almost completely abandoned watching TV and most nights, you'll find me reading or listening to people who have the kind of understanding of life and love for people I wish to possess. Yes, I am a nerd. A big one.

I've learned to choose friends who possess qualities I admire. This wasn't always the case. I tend to see great potential in everyone I meet whether or not they are willing to actually cultivate those qualities within themselves. It's important to see the good in everyone. It's important to love people. But It is vital to have people close to you who do not feed your doubts and fears but push you to greater expectations and purpose. God has brought people into my life who challenge me to become better in every way. "As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another." Proverbs 27:17

The Guided Decision was taken from Mastering the Seven Decisions by Andy Andrews. My favorite part of this declaration of the heart is in the last two paragraphs... "I will become a humble servant". Because as George Arliss said so well: “Humility is the only true wisdom by which we prepare our minds for all the possible changes of life.”

The Guided Decision

I Will Seek Wisdom.

Knowing that wisdom waits to be gathered, I will actively search her out. My past can never be changed, but I can change the future by changing my actions today. I will change my actions today! I will train my eyes and ears to read and listen to books and recordings that bring about positive changes in my personal relationships and a greater understanding of my fellow man. No longer will I bombard my mind with materials that feed my doubts and fears. I will read and lis- ten only to that which increases my belief in myself and my future.

I will seek wisdom. I will choose my friends with care. I am who my friends are. I speak their language, and I wear their clothes. I share their opinions and their habits. From this moment forward, I will choose to associate with people whose lives and lifestyles I admire. If I associate with chickens, I will learn to scratch at the ground and squabble over crumbs. If I associate with eagles, I will learn to soar great heights. I am an eagle. It is my destiny to fly.

I will seek wisdom. I will listen to the counsel of wise men. The words of a wise man are like rain- drops on dry ground. They are precious and quickly used for immediate results. Only the blade of grass that catches a raindrop will prosper and grow. The person who ignores wise counsel is like the blade of grass untouched by the rain—soon to wither and die. When I counsel with myself, I can only make decisions according to what I already know. By counseling with a wise man, I add his knowledge and experience to my own and dramatically increase my success.

I will seek wisdom. I will be a servant to others. A wise man will cultivate a servant’s spirit, for that particular attribute attracts people like no other. As I humbly serve others, their wisdom will be freely shared with me. Often, the person who develops a servant’s spirit becomes wealthy beyond measure. Many times, a servant has the ear of the king, and a humble servant becomes king for he is the popular choice of the people.

He who serves the most grows the fastest.

I will become a humble servant. I will not look for someone to open my door—I will look to open the door for someone. I will not be distressed when no one is available to help me—I will be excited when I am available to help.

I will be a servant to others.

I will listen to the counsel of wise men.

I will choose my friends with care.

I Will Seek Wisdom.

The Certain Decision...

2011-05-05T10:00:00.000-05:00

"I have a Decided Heart"... these words, taken from Mastering the Seven Decisions by Andy Andrews, bring me so much comfort and strength. I was given the gift of a decided heart as a child. I passionately pursue what I feel is right. I have always been a determined soul, even when I was wrong.

But I have not always been careful about the people I allowed to guide me. I longed to please everyone. This one thing brought uncertainty and instability into my life. Following or allowing people close to you who are tossed around with every slight wind that blows can cause you to steer off course and into danger. Crashing upon the rocks, I found that my original purpose had never changed. I could trust my own heart to be true, steadfast and know that if need be, I am strong enough to walk alone... because I am DECIDED. I have decided my shape, my character and have pursued all of those qualities within mySELF that I would ever expect to find in a best friend. I look to my Creator to show me who I am, what path to take and I will NOT be persuaded off course.

Knowing this... "The one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do." James 1:6-8
I choose to believe in God's plan for my life and move with faith and determination into my future. "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

The Certain Decision

I Have a Decided Heart.

A wise man once said, “A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.” Knowing this to be true, I am taking my first step today. For too long my feet have been tentative, shuffling left and right, more backward than forward as my heart gauged the direction of the wind. Criticism, condemnation, and complaint are creatures of the wind. They come and go on the wasted breath of lesser beings and have no power over me. The power to control direction belongs to me. Today I will begin to exercise that power. My course has been charted. My destiny is assured.

I have a decided heart. I am passionate about my vision for the future. I will awaken every morn- ing with an excitement about the new day and its opportunity for growth and change. My thoughts and actions will work in a forward motion, never sliding into the dark forest of doubt or the muddy quicksand of self-pity. I will freely give my vision for the future to others, and as they see the belief in my eyes, they will follow me.

I will lay my head on my pillow at night happily exhausted, knowing that I have done everything within my power to move the mountains in my path. As I sleep, the same dream that dominates my waking hours will be with me in the dark. Yes, I have a dream. It is a great dream, and I will never apologize for it. Neither will I ever let it go, for if I did, my life would be finished. My hopes, my passions, my vision for the future is my very existence. A person without a dream never had a dream come true.

I have a decided heart. I will not wait.

I know that the purpose of analysis is to come to a conclusion. I have tested the angles. I have measured the probabilities. And now I have made a decision with my heart. I am not timid. I will move now and not look back. What I put off until tomorrow, I will put off until the next day as well. I do not procrastinate. All my problems become smaller when I confront them. If I touch a thistle with caution, it will prick me, but if I grasp it boldly, its spines crumble into dust.

I will not wait.

I am passionate about my vision for the future.

My course has been charted.

My destiny is assured.

I have a decided heart.

The Responsible Decision...

2011-05-04T09:04:00.000-05:00

In Mastering the Seven Decisions by Andy Andrews... this one came first. This decision is number one because without it, we do not have the power to change one single thing about ourselves or our lives. Without this decision, we are victims of our circumstances. We are tossed around & controlled by life instead of living it.

Many times, I've traded my power for self pity and the temporary relief of blaming someone else for my pain. But no more. The buck stops here! Read this Decision. MAKE this Decision. And make it every single day for the rest of your life. I know that with God's help, I am!

The Responsible Decision

The Buck Stops Here.

From this moment forward, I will accept responsibility for my past. I understand that the beginning of wisdom is to accept the responsibility for my own problems and that by accepting respon- sibility for my past, I free myself to move into a bigger, brighter future of my own choosing.

Never again will I blame my parents, my spouse, my boss, or employees for my present situation. Neither my education or lack of one, my genetics, or the circumstantial ebb and flow of everyday life will affect my future in a negative way. If I allow myself to blame these uncontrollable forces for my lack of success, I will be forever caught in a web of the past. I will look forward. I will not let my history control my destiny.

The buck stops here. I accept responsibility for my past. I am responsible for my success. I am where I am today—mentally, physically, spiritually, emotionally, and financially—because of decisions I have made. My decisions have always been governed by my thinking. Therefore, I am where I am today mentally, physically, spiritually, emotionally, and financially—because of how I think. Today I will begin the process of changing where I am—mentally, physically, spiritually, emotionally, and financially—by changing the way I think.

My thoughts will be constructive, never destructive. My mind will live in the solutions of the future. It will not dwell in the problems of the past. I will seek the association of those who are working and striving to bring about positive changes in the world. I will never seek comfort by associating with those who have decided to be comfortable.

When faced with the opportunity to make a decision, I will make one. I understand that God did not put in me the ability to always make right decisions. He did, however, put in me the ability to make a decision and then make it right. The rise and fall of my emotional tide will not deter me from my course. When I make a decision, I will stand behind it. My energy will go into making the decision. I will waste none on second thoughts. My life will not be an apology. It will be a statement.

The buck stops here. I control my thoughts. I control my emotions.

In the future, when I am tempted to ask the question “Why me?”, I will immediately counter with the answer: “Why not me?” Challenges are a gift, an opportunity to learn. Problems are the com- mon thread running through the lives of great men and women. In times of adversity, I will not have a problem to deal with, I will have a choice to make. My thoughts will be clear. I will make the right choice. Adversity is preparation for greatness. I will accept the preparation. Why me? Why not me?

I will be prepared for something great!

I accept responsibility for my past.

I control my thoughts.

I control my emotions.

I am responsible for my success.

The Buck Stops Here.

The Joyful Decision!!

2011-05-03T08:17:00.001-05:00

This Decision, taken from both The Traveler's Gift and Mastering the Seven Decisions, by Andy Andrews, is the one of the many things that has saved my life. Literally. My whole life, I had been a happy person who could endure hardship, heartbreak and even tragedies with a sense of hope and concern for others. This always brought me joy. But one year ago I found myself completely hopeless. I had lost my way. My bad choices had caught up with me. I felt alone, broken and completely out of touch with the joy that had carried me through life. Looking back on what, at the time, appeared to be "rock bottom," I see that it was actually the death of compromise, sick thinking and pride. It was the purging of all that needed to be broken away in order for me to find my purpose, serve, love and truly possess the joy that no one and nothing can diminish. I see that I was not alone at all. God was there. He was there in that forever gentle and patient way, waiting for a rebellious child to surrender to His love. Surrender I did. And when I was strong enough to take positive steps into my future, He brought me tools. This is one of my favorites... and it works! Give it a try!! And know... that "rock bottom" is only perception. It's in the valley that we change, ask the tough questions and learn to climb.

The Joyful Decision

Today, I Will Choose to be Happy.

Beginning this very moment, I am a happy person, for I now truly understand the concept of happiness. Few others before me have been able to grasp the truth of the physical law that enables one to live happily every day. I know now that happiness is not an emotional phantom floating in and out of my life. Happiness is a choice. Happiness is the end result of certain thoughts and activities, which actually bring about a chemical reaction in my body. This reaction results in a euphoria, which, while elusive to some, is totally under my control.

Today I will choose to be happy. I will greet each day with laughter. Within moments of awakening, I will laugh for seven seconds. After even such a small period of time, excitement has begun to flow through my bloodstream. I feel different. I am different! I am enthusiastic about the day. I am alert to its possibilities. I am happy! Laughter is an outward expression of enthusiasm, and I know that enthusiasm is the fuel that moves the world. I laugh throughout the day. I laugh while I am alone, and I laugh in conversation with others. People are drawn to me because I have laughter in my heart. The world belongs to the enthusiastic for people will follow them anywhere!

Today I will choose to be happy. I will smile at every person I meet. My smile has become my calling card. It is, after all, the most potent weapon I possess. My smile has the strength to forge bonds, break ice, and calm storms. I will use my smile constantly. Because of my smile, the people with whom I come in contact on a daily basis will choose to further my causes and follow my leadership. I will always smile first. That particular display of a good attitude will tell others what I expect in return. My smile is the key to my emotional make up. A wise man once said, “I do not sing because I am happy; I am happy because I sing!” When I choose to smile, I become the master of my emotions. Discouragement, despair, frustration, and fear will always wither when confronted by my smile.

The power of who I am is displayed when I smile.

Today I will choose to be happy. I am the possessor of a grateful spirit. In the past, I have found discouragement in particular situations, until I compared the condition of my life to others less fortunate. Just as a fresh breeze cleans smoke from the air, so does a grateful spirit remove the cloud of despair. It is impossible for the seeds of depression to take root in a thankful heart. My God has bestowed upon me many gifts, and for these I will remember to be grateful. Too many times I have offered up the prayers of a beggar, always asking for more and forgetting my thanks. I do not wish to be seen as a greedy child, unappreciative, and disrespectful. I am grateful for sight and sound and breath. If ever in my life there is a pouring out of blessings beyond that, then I will be grateful for the miracle of abundance.

I will greet each day with laughter.

I will smile at every person I meet.

I am the possessor of a grateful spirit.

Today, I will choose to be happy.

The Compassionate Decision

2011-05-02T17:13:00.001-05:00

I've been raving about Andy Andrews' books for weeks now. His simple, wise and Godly way of seeing the world has opened my heart and my eyes. If you have not read The Traveler's Gift, I encourage you to do so. Then, go on to read (or listen to) Mastering the Seven Decisions and DO THE WORK it takes to transform your heart and your life. One of the most difficult Decisions for me to personally master is posted below. I literally read this declaration to myself many times a day! (Yes, I do need THAT much work!)
I'm posting this one first because I believe we should 'eat the biggest frog first'... Do the hardest part first... Master what has the most potential to master us and the momentum of success will carry us to our next challenges with victory already ours.
After many wounds, forgiveness is my own 'biggest frog'... please allow these words to bring you healing.

The Compassionate Decision

I Will Greet This Day With a Forgiving Spirit.

For too long, every ounce of forgiveness I owned was locked away, hidden from view, waiting for me to bestow its precious presence upon some worthy person. Alas, I found most people to be singularly unworthy of my valuable forgiveness and, since they never asked for any, I kept it all for myself. Now, the forgiveness that I hoarded has sprouted inside my heart like a crippled seed yielding bitter fruit.

No more! At this moment, my life has taken on new hope and assurance. Of all the world’s population, I am one of the few possessors of the secret to dissipating anger and resentment. I now understand that forgiveness only has value when it is given away. By the simple act of granting forgiveness, I release the demons of the past about which I can do nothing and create in myself a new heart, a new beginning.

I will greet this day with a forgiving spirit. I will forgive even those who do not ask for forgiveness. Many are the times when I have seethed in anger at a word or deed thrown into my life by an unthinking or uncaring person. Valuable hours have been wasted imagining revenge or confrontation. Now I see the truth revealed about this psychological rock inside my shoe. The rage I nurture is often one-sided, for my offender seldom gives thought to his offense!

I will now and forevermore silently offer my forgiveness even to those who do not see that they need it. By the act of forgiving, I am no longer consumed by unproductive thoughts. My bitterness is given up. I am contented in my soul and effective again with my fellow man.

I will greet this day with a forgiving spirit. I will forgive those who criticize me unjustly.

Knowing that slavery, in any form, is wrong, I also know that the person who lives a life according to the opinion of others is a slave. I am not a slave. I have chosen my own counsel. I know the difference between right and wrong. I know what is best for the future of my family, and neither misguided opinion nor unjust criticism will alter my course.

Those who are critical of my goals and dreams simply do not understand the higher purpose to which I have been called. Therefore, their scorn does not affect my attitude or action. I forgive their lack of vision and forge ahead. I now know that criticism is part of the price paid for leaping past mediocrity.

I will greet this day with a forgiving spirit. I will forgive myself. For many years, my greatest enemy has been myself. Every mistake, every miscalculation, every stumble I made has been replayed over and over in my mind. Every broken promise, every day wasted, every goal not reached has compounded the dis- gust I feel for the lack of achievement in my life. My dismay has developed a paralyzing grip. When I dis- appoint myself, I respond with inaction and become more disappointed.

I realize today that it is impossible to fight an enemy living in my head. By forgiving myself, I erase the doubts, fears, and frustration that have kept my past in the present. From this day forward, my history will cease to control my destiny. I have forgiven myself. My life has just begun.

I will forgive even those who do not ask for forgiveness.

I will forgive those who criticize me unjustly.

I will forgive myself.

I will greet this day with a forgiving spirit.

The Pompa Defense Fund.

2011-04-05T17:25:00.004-05:00

This is about standing with my friends through adversity. It's about LOYALTY and FAITH!!
Me? I’m not anyone impressive. I have not established a huge practice. I have not done anything to boast about. In fact, my most recent quote about myself is: “I’ll allow you to watch me crash and burn if you allow me to tell you about my Redeemer and Lord!”

The Pompas are my dear friends. How we came to be in each others’ lives is nothing short of a miracle, at least for me. It was about two years ago that I first watched one of Danny Pompa’s seminars about nutrition at a chiropractic office where I was working. His seminars were playing non-stop in order to educate patients that came into the office. I soaked up every word Danny spoke as if my life depended on it. I began to implement his diet, nutrition and exercise information into my life. These healthy changes gave me the physical strength to ride out a storm that was brewing on my own personal horizon. There was a portion in these recordings where his wife Merily joined him on stage and spoke about raising their children. She basically gave a small testimony. Something about this woman captivated me. She possessed a self-assurance, faith and feminine strength that I longed to cultivate in my own world.

During the following year I became more active on Facebook and managed to befriend Danny and, as a result, also invited his wife Merily to be my friend. I didn’t think we would ever actually interact. I figured they were very busy and important people. I felt small next their impressive mission and accomplishments. But as I began to express my own faith and heart on my Facebook wall, I was surprised to find Merily’s encouraging voice chiming in now and then on my posts. We started interacting. In fact, I had found a sister. She didn’t seem to care that I was a mess . . . she didn’t even seem to notice. She called me out as a strong and capable woman who added value to her life. She brought out the best in me. Yet still, in early 2010, as I left a long term, toxic and destructive situation, I found myself suffering from debilitating anxiety, depression and even felt suicidal at times. Merily invested her heart and faith into me, praying for me over the phone and encouraging me to hang on long enough to get help. She wanted me to attend the Pompa Health Seminar in Orlando in May 2010. I could not afford the trip as I had just lost everything in my attempt to redirect my life in a healthy direction. Course correction can lead to what appears to be loss at first. Only in hindsight can we see that it was all a miracle in the making, a pruning of the dead branches so that new life can spring forth.

Merily insisted that I join them in Orlando. She covered the cost for me herself. She made arrangements for me to stay at her family’s time-share. She got me there. So, almost one year ago I met my new sister face to face by the pool at the hotel. She was stunning, almost translucent with grace and beautiful energy. As we embraced I felt as if I was holding someone I had always known. It took me a couple of days to let down my guard and forget my insecurities and receive this family’s love. But love me they did. I was treated like I belonged with them . . . accepted, cared for, loved. My hungry heart was overwhelmed. And the training I received during the seminar answered so many questions about my own health. Danny’s struggles with toxicity and his past symptoms so closely mirrored what I was suffering with at the time, and the fact that he was standing before this group with answers about how to recover was exactly what I needed. Thanks to Danny and Merily Pompa I was officially on the road to health, physically, emotionally and even spiritually. I owe them a lifetime of gratitude.

This past year, I have watched this family endure unimaginable loss. They have been wrongly accused, publicly disparaged and legally entrapped. It has been agonizing to watch people who I have grown to love so deeply receive blow after blow. At times I felt like a helpless bystander watching an injustice that I never imagined to occur in this country. The amazing thing is that at no time during the horrors of their ordeal have I ever heard even ONE complaint or hint of self-pity from either Merily or Danny. If you read Merily’s blog you will see one declaration of faith and courage after another. She is so full of purpose and a sense of eternal destiny that nothing can shake her faith. Not even losing her home and the uncertainty of her family’s future.

Through this trial, both literally and figuratively, this family has served as an inspiration to countless people. They are real life examples of how to endure with grace, compassion and selfless devotion. They are a family of seven beautiful souls, who, under extreme pressure, have not only bonded closer together as one loving unit but have reached out and, in spite of their own trials, ministered with generosity to people everywhere.

I, along with Beth Walker and The Starfishers and many other wonderful people, have established this legal defense fund to support this family. It is my intent to ease the devastating financial burden of their legal defense and to show them that they are not standing alone in this battle for justice.
What can you do? FIRST, pray! Pray for justice, restoration and favor to rest upon this family! Second, click on the DONATE button and give whatever you can. Every penny helps. And know, that as you do, our team and I are praying special blessings upon you to receive that which you have sown into the lives of others in need 1,000 fold.

From PAIN TO PURPOSE: Lifting His Arms

2011-03-24T09:20:00.000-05:00

The Butterfly Effect..

2011-03-20T12:08:00.000-05:00

My good friend Elliot sent these to me and I just wanted to share them with everyone!!!
Andy Andrews & The Butterfly Effect...

"Praise You In This Storm" - Casting Crowns

2011-03-13T09:37:00.000-05:00

I was sure by now

God You would have reached down

And wiped our tears away

Stepped in and saved the day

But once again, I say "Amen", and it's stillraining

As the thunder rolls

I barely hear Your whisper through the rain

"I'm with you"

And as Your mercy falls

I raise my hands and praise the God who gives

And takes away

[Chorus:]

And I'll praise You in this storm

And I will lift my hands

For You are who You are

No matter where I am

And every tear I've cried

You hold in Your hand

You never left my side

And though my heart is torn

I will praise You in this storm

I remember when

I stumbled in the wind

You heard my cry to you

And you raised me up again

My strength is almost gone

How can I carry on

If I can't find You

But as the thunder rolls

I barely hear You whisper through the rain

"I'm with you"

And as Your mercy falls

I raise my hands and praise the God who gives

And takes away

I lift my eyes unto the hills

Where does my help come from?

My help comes from the Lord

The Maker of Heaven and Earth

Still I Rise by Maya Angelou

2011-03-09T08:46:00.002-06:00

This resonates with me. I do not come from an ancestry of slaves as an African American. But many of us have been enslaved by different things... the past, wounds, anger, regret, abuse, fear... enslaved to whatever chains us down from flying into our purpose & living with power and love. So let us Rise!!!

"Now that we are His children, God has sent the Spiritof his Son into our hearts. And His Spirit tells us that God is our Father.Therefore you are no longer a slave but HIS child, and as HIS child, then anheir of God through Christ." Galations 4:6&7

Still I Rise

You may write me down in history

With your bitter, twisted lies,

You may trod me in the very dirt

But still, like dust, I'll rise.

Does my sassiness upset you?

Why are you beset with gloom?

'Cause I walk like I've got oil wells

Pumping in my living room.

Just like moons and like suns,

With the certainty of tides,

Just like hopes springing high,

Still I'll rise.

Did you want to see me broken?

Bowed head and lowered eyes?

Shoulders falling down like teardrops.

Weakened by my soulful cries.

Does my haughtiness offend you?

Don't you take it awful hard

'Cause I laugh like I've got gold mines

Diggin' in my own back yard.

You may shoot me with your words,

You may cut me with your eyes,

You may kill me with your hatefulness,

But still, like air, I'll rise.

Does my sexiness upset you?

Does it come as a surprise

That I dance like I've got diamonds

At the meeting of my thighs?

Out of the huts of history's shame

I rise

Up from a past that's rooted in pain

I rise

I'm a black ocean, leaping and wide,

Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.

Leaving behind nights of terror and fear

I rise

Into a daybreak that's wondrously clear

I rise

Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,

I am the dream and the hope of the slave.

I rise

I rise.

Maya Angelou

Grownboys by Tony Gaskins Jr.

2011-02-25T13:37:00.000-06:00

"Become love, and love with surround you..."

Looking forward to what he has to say to the ladies!!

Named by God...

2011-01-23T12:00:00.025-06:00

Tomorrow is my Victoria's 17th birthday. I am reposting an essay she wrote. I am so proud of my living symbol of Victory. She's my best friend, my twin and the other half of my crowning glory!!

****** (originally posted September of 2009)

Tori has been encouraging me to write again. She has an amazing way with words herself. It was this essay she wrote for an English assignment that made me realize how important and life changing words can be... and that we use them to shape lives even when we are unaware.

What’s in a name?

My name is Victoria Jayne Sells. I was named by my mother and by God. When I think about how I was named it makes me appreciate it and realize how special a person’s name actually is. It’s not just what people call other people. It is really a part of the person’s identity. It is the very first history any of us have of our lives on this Earth. It’s a big deal. It is what you are going to be called every day; it’s what you are going to have to hear every time someone wants to talk to you. And if you are one of these fortunate people who actually like their name then you have it pretty well. So that you don’t have to go through the, long, painfully fun process of changing it. I’m one of those very lucky people.
I love my name. Here’s why.

When my mother found out she was having a girl she was distraught. In my mother’s childhood she was the oldest and had a lot of sad memories from a difficult childhood; she didn’t want any similarities between her old life and the life she was trying to create. She wanted to have a boy first. So when it came time for her to flip through the baby books she was sitting in her office at work, praying angrily about being forced to face the situation that she had spent so much time forgetting. Finally she threw the baby book across her office and screamed, “FINE God! YOU name her!” Only seconds after her angry prayer, God spoke to her spirit very distinctly and gave her the name Victoria. As soon as this name came to my mother, she loved it. She knew it would be a great fit.

Years later after only my mother calling me Victoria and everyone else calling me Tori, I wondered why that was. I had always said that I hated it when people other than my mother called me Victoria, I wondered why. While thinking of what to write for this paper I realized that it was because I don’t want just anyone calling me by the name that is very important to my mother and to God. Why would anyone? The saying, “that’s my name don’t wear it out”, most definitely applies in my situation. The name Victoria isn’t just a long version of Tori. It’s a deep connection that started before I was even born with my mother (my favorite person) and God. I realize this isn’t an average story. And that there are other girls named Victoria also. But every person is different; every girl brings something completely original to their unoriginal names.

So the only person to this day who calls me Victoria is my mom. Maybe when I am a grown person in this society the list of people I’ll respond to as Victoria will grow. But for right now I am fine being Tori. I believe both my ‘nickname’ and my real name both suit me. My name is Victoria Jayne Sells. I was named by my mother and by God.

2011-01-22T19:45:00.000-06:00

A blind person asked St. Anthony: "Can there be anything worse than losing eye sight?" He replied: "Yes, losing your vision."

Fire and humble ramblings...

2011-01-21T19:03:00.007-06:00

I recently left my primary facebook with the followingmessage:

“Do to the abuse, cruelty, manipulation & falseaccusations of a former 'best-friend' who has used social media to inflict painand revenge for months, I am taking a break from Face book and I havetemporarily disabled my blog. I am now focusing on the healing of my own heartand the innocent hearts of my children. Prayers appreciated… “

The outpouring of support and love I received in just oneday was overwhelming and humbling for me. I shared these things with mychildren and your words were healing to them as well. I want to thank thesepeople with all of my heart.

One of the comments left on my status made a reference toJudas. This is quite a coincidence because God has been dealing with me aboutthis very thing for months. I call it “The Judas Factor”.

Sometimes when you come out ofa situation of chaos, you come out with a posture that is very defensive; youcome out with your fists up, in a fighting mode… ready to pound anyone who threatensyou. Sometimes you feel like hitting the very thing you should to be holding on to. Andthis is where I've been, defensive, dukes up and ready to defend. I might besmall, but don't let that fool you, I've got some serious fight in me.

When we experience a lot ofpain, we cannot always discern a God moment, we can't see God's plan in thepainful moments. We just know we are hurting and we have to fight back. I am NOT proud of the way I've handled recent attacks. When you come out of ahostile environment, it's only natural to take a posture of defensiveness. It'sonly natural to put your dukes up, whether literally or verbally. This waswhere I was; fighting back with whatever meager means I had, which were onlywords. And I lost. I got hurt. Thelies and bitterness of the attacking side were too entrenched, too strong andtoo powerful to defend. My attempts to handle things on my own without allowingGod to be my defender ended up in disaster. The last communication I had withmy "Judas", he was telling me that my words about God were a joke(actually bull****). I do not think anything could have hurt more. But that isno one's fault but mine. God did not mean for me to defend myself and fightwith my Judas. He meant for me to allow Him to defend me and for me to simplyfollow God’s lead. I disobeyed and suffered the consequences.

We should thank God for ourJudas.

Judas, come on! I need you!Those who betray you bring brokenness into your life and THIS is where Godloves to work. You had betterpraise God for your Judas because he is going to bring you into a place ofsurrender and push you into the presence of God, pushing you to a higher level.Those who come against you the hardest are going to end up being your biggestblessing! They cause you to pray. They cause you to be in a state ofdesperation. They cause you to know that when God is for you, then who can beagainst you? KNOW THIS: your enemies are divinely orchestrated by the plan ofGod; they are not sent by God but used by God to bring Him glory! They cause others to look at your lifeand say, “look at what the Lord has done!”

Your friends bring you comfortbut your enemies bring you challenge, change and reward. Thank God for them!!

Jesus could have fulfilledhis purpose without John, Peter, Matthew or any of the other 12 chosendisciples. But it was Judas who acted out the most pivotal roll in Jesus’destiny.

If he had not breathed down onJesus with his foul breath and kissed him, Jesus would not have been lead tothe cross. Thank God for your enemies!! For what the enemy means for ourdefeat, God will use for our final purpose and victory!!! Not everything inyour life might be God sent but if you are willing, everything WILL be Godused.

My devotion for today was this…thanks to Merily Pompa:

The courage of my friends whoare enduring much greater challenges than I am and my devotion to them, topeople who need my love and support will not allow me to crawl into my closetand lick my wounds… I am here for anyone who needs a friend…

********

"Now thanks be unto God, which always causes us toTriumph in Christ" (2 Cor. 2:14).

God gets His greatest victories out of apparent defeats.

Very often the enemy seems to triumph for a little, and

God lets it be so; but then He comes in and upsets all the

work of the enemy, overthrows the apparent victory, and

as the Bible says, "turns the way of the wicked upside

down." Thus He gives a great deal larger victory than

we would have known if He had not allowed the enemy,

seemingly, to triumph in the first place.

The story of the three Hebrew children being cast into

the fiery furnace is a familiar one. Here was an apparent

victory for the enemy. It looked as if the servants of the

living God were going to have a terrible defeat. We have

all been in places where it seemed as though we were

defeated, and the enemy rejoiced. We can imagine what

a complete defeat this looked to be. They fell down into

the flames, and their enemies watched them to see them

burn up in that awful fire, but were greatly astonished to

see them walking around in the fire enjoying themselves.

Nebuchadnezzar told them to "come forth out of the

midst of the fire." Not even a hair was singed, nor was

the smell of fire on their garments, "because there isno

other god that can deliver after this sort."

This apparent defeat resulted in a marvelous victory.

Suppose that these three men had lost their faith and

courage, and had complained, saying, "Why did not

God keep us out of the furnace!" They would have

been burned, and God would not have been glorified.

If there is a great trial in your life today, do not own it

as a defeat, but continue, by faith, to claim the victory

through Him who is able to make you more than

conqueror, and a glorious victory will soon be apparent.

Let us learn that in all the hard places God brings us

into, He is making opportunities for us to exercise such

faith in Him as will bring about blessed results and

greatly glorify His name. --Life of Praise

"Defeat may serve as well as victory

To shake the soul and let the glory out.

When the great oak is straining in the wind,

The boughs drink in new beauty, and the trunk

Sends down a deeper root on the windward side.

Only the soul that knows the mighty grief

Can know the mighty rapture. Sorrows come

To stretch out spaces in the heart for joy."

Compiled by Mrs. Charles Cowman

Braveheart Ben

2011-01-14T15:36:00.000-06:00

Braveheart Ben

My Benjamin is 13 years old today. In some cultures, on thisday he would become a man. But becoming a man doesn’t happen on a birthday,it’s not an age. In this world, people think a man is someone who has finishedgrowing, has hair on his chest and can do things like vote, drive and pick upwomen. Unfortunately, that is all many men ever become. They lack character,self-mastery and the courage to sacrifice and fight for good in the world oreven in their own homes. They live lives without any purpose other thanpleasure and surviving circumstances. These are men of the world. The book ofEphesians makes these distinctions between men of the world and a man of God.You can see the distinctions all around you. Even in churches, people have religionwithout transformation. This is powerlessness & meaningless.

They are darkened in their understanding and separatedfrom the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them due to thehardening of their hearts. Having lost all sensitivity, they have giventhemselves over to sensuality so as to indulge in every kind of impurity, andthey are full of greed. Ephesians 4:18,19

Ben explained to me yesterday that this was his first BIGbirthday. He recognizes it as a milestone. He is officially a teenager. He’spretty stoked about it too… (: The celebration will begin in just a few hours!But first… Here is my letter to my Ben.

Son, we all laugh about the day you were born and when theyput you in my arms, I began to cry because you were so ugly. And yet my heartwas stirred and I had a knowing in my very core that I was holding a package ofgreatness. In a few hours, your head became a more normal shape and your littleeyes opened wider and I thought you were pretty darned cute. It had been along, rough day for us both. Everyone left us alone together for the night,just you and me. I remember holding you and examining you in the soft glow ofthe light coming in the slightly opened door. I knew you pretty well. I knewfrom carrying you for 42 weeks that you were stubborn and would not follow thecrowd. I knew you were strong. I even knew you were brave. You would have diedinside of mommy if you had not whispered to my soul that you needed to comeTHAT day. I was determined to get you here even though I had no signs of labor.And sure enough, when you arrived you had aspirated meconium and the umbilicalcord was tight around your little neck. I decided then, that you were myBraveheart Ben.

That night as I was filled with gratitude for you, I beganto prophesy over you. I began to speak into your destiny as not only a man ofGod, but as a King and Priest and changer of worlds. I prayed that you would bea light in the darkness, a defender of honor. I prayed that you would be so fullof God that you could go anywhere and change the atmosphere wherever you go,never allowing the world to change you; that you would be a warrior, drivingout darkness wherever you find it. I prayed that your life would be anadventure of walking with God, living on the edge of the sword. Those words, “the edge of the sword”,are not by chance. You now, at 13 are obsessed with swords and knives. :)

But hear this…

For the word of God is alive and active. Sharperthan any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit,joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart. Hebrews4:12

The Word of God, being described as a double-edgedsword is not by accident. Two edges: one edge is to change the world; the otheredge is for changing YOU. Always allow this blade to change your own heartfirst. You have many beautiful knives and swords now. But none is more powerfulthan THIS sword. Know it well.

It didn’t take long before I saw you training foryour destiny. Your blonde curly hair endeared you to everyone who saw you andyou began to love people immediately… all kinds of people. You loved toentertain them and you didn’t know a stranger. You became a fearlesscommunicator before you could even talk.

As a toddler, you seemed to have a sense for whenpeople needed hugs or comfort. You gravitated to those who needed your bouncycurls and bright eyes. I loved watching people brighten up around you.

As a young boy, you were so sensitive to others. Youhad free run of our little neighborhood, lots of friends, many trees to climband adventures to have and yet, every 30 minutes, you never failed to comerunning into the house just to “check on me” and give me a hug. Then you’dbound right back outside again.

In kindergarten, you picked a fight with a 3^rdgrader because he was picking on a smaller kid. You’ve been doing those thingsever since. I’ve seen you go toe to toe with boys twice your size because theywere bullies and you protected your friends.

When people are sick, you immediately lay your handson them and pray, completely unashamed.

As a child, you were already a pretty great man in myeyes.

But nothing prepared me for what I witnessed in youthis last year. You lost the most important person in your life, your soul mate,Aunt Candy. You have her eyes. You’ve always told people that you have hereyes. But you also have her heart, her humor, and her love for animals,children and passion for life. The two of you were quite a pair. After she losther hair the first time because of chemo, you told her that you would give heryour curls, and sure enough, when her hair grew back in, it was curly likeyours!

One year ago this week, Candy had her stroke andcouldn’t talk or walk or use her hands. You were by her side the whole time,coaching her through therapy, encouraging her to keep working, making herlaugh. You weren’t afraid or affected by the hospital environment or all of thesick and dying people you saw there. You just cheerfully made yourself at homeand settled in for the long journey of her recovery.

When Candy recovered enough to come home, you werestill there, taking care of her animals and keeping her company and helping herwith anything she needed. By this time it was spring and you had been by herside every chance you got for months.

The sicker Candy became and as the end drew near, wehad a lot of talks about heaven and death and you faced each stage of herdecline with such bravery and cheerful devotion. And in her last few days, aswe waited for the end, you never let go of her hand. She slipped into a comabut you sat close to her whispering into her ear about how much you love herand about heaven. You were giving her your courage. You were giving us all yourcourage.

So son, on this day when we celebrate your milestone,know this: You are the bravest person I know. You are the light of our lives.You are already a great man of honor. And You are my crowning glory.

Happy Birthday my Warrior Prince…

Restore

2011-01-10T21:11:00.009-06:00

I'm having one of those surreal days where I've experienced both miracles and heartbreak.

My problem lately is that when I'm faced with certain trials, I often try to handle them in my own strength, with my own emotional response and have made so many mistakes.

I think we have all been there in our own way… struggling through with good intentions, yet choosing between the best of two evils and then running for cover. We forget to ask for wisdom. We forget to put ourselves in another person's shoes. (we = me)

I have no wisdom of my own. Good intentions are meaningless without wisdom, foresight and humility.

Even when we mean well, if we do not stop and consider who we are dealing with and what the consequences might be, our good intentions are lost and we can be plunged head first into a war that we were never meant to fight.

I promised God and myself many months ago that I would not defend myself against an enemy. That I would allow Him to defend me. But does that count when I'm truly wrong?? Does God love me enough to defend His child who stumbles?... like A LOT? I know He does. Because with me, He always does. And I am always His girl no matter what I've done and no matter who hates me for it.
Guess what? God feels the same way about you!! I am not more special than YOU are!!

I read Psalm 51 again tonight (many times). This chapter is one of the most powerful and healing 19 verses of the Bible to me… It washes me free of the pain and shame of my mistakes and reminds me of just how great my God is... MUCH greater than my failures. I first read this chapter when I was just a child. I don't remember what I did to feel so wrong, but I read it with such repentance and received so much freedom in return. This Psalm has always been a safe place for me.

Even when we must endure the consequences of our actions, He will not abandon us.

I hope this blesses you.. whoever you are… reading this and struggling with shame. There is so much freedom in laying your soul bare to the ONE who created you and who is longing to clothe you in His mercy and love.

These are the words of Kind David after being confronted by the prophet Nathan because he had committed both murder and adultery.

Psalm 51

1 Have mercy on me, O God,

because of your unfailing love.

Because of your great compassion,

blot out the stain of my sins.

2 Wash me clean from my guilt.

Purify me from my sin.

3 For I recognize my rebellion;

it haunts me day and night.

4 Against you, and you alone, have I sinned;

I have done what is evil in your sight.

You will be proved right in what you say,

and your judgment against me is just.

5 For I was born a sinner—

yes, from the moment my mother conceived me.

6 But you desire honesty from the womb,

teaching me wisdom even there.

7 Purify me from my sins, and I will be clean;
      wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.
8 Oh, give me back my joy again;
      you have broken me—
      now let me rejoice.
9 Don’t keep looking at my sins.
      Remove the stain of my guilt.
10 Create in me a clean heart, O God.
      Renew a loyal spirit within me.
11 Do not banish me from your presence,
      and don’t take your Holy Spiritfrom me.

12 Restore to me the joy of your salvation,
      and make me willing to obey you.
13 Then I will teach your ways to rebels,
      and they will return to you.
14 Forgive me for shedding blood, O God who saves;
      then I will joyfully sing of your forgiveness.
15 Unseal my lips, O Lord,
      that my mouth may praise you.

16 You do not desire a sacrifice, or I would offer one.
      You do not want a burnt offering.
17 The sacrifice you desire is a broken spirit.
      You will not reject a broken and repentant heart, O God.
18 Look with favor on Zion and help her;
      rebuild the walls of Jerusalem.
19 Then you will be pleased with sacrifices offered in the right spirit—
      with burnt offerings and whole burnt offerings.
      Then bulls will again be sacrificed on your altar.

SANTA'S SECRET WISH...

2010-12-23T18:45:00.000-06:00

SANTA'S SECRET WISH

On Christmas Eve,
a young boy with light in his eyes,
Looked deep into Santa's, to Santa's surprise,
And said as he nestled on Santa's broad knee,
"I want your secret, tell it to me."

He leaned up & whispered in Santa's good ear,
"How do you do it, year after year?"
"I want to know how, as you travel about,
Giving gifts here & there, you never run out.

How is it, dear Santa, that in your pack of toys,
You have plenty for all of the world's girls & boys?
Stays so full, never empties as you make your way
From rooftop to rooftop, to homes large & small,

From nation to nation, reaching them all?
And Santa smiled kindly & said to the boy,
"Don't ask me hard questions.
Don't you want a toy?"

But the child shook his head, and Santa could see
That he needed the answer. "Now listen to me,"
He told the small boy with the light in his eyes,
"My secret will make you sadder & wise.

"The truth is that my sack is magic. Inside
It holds millions of toys for my Christmas Eve ride.
But although I do visit each girl & each boy
I don't always leave them a gaily wrapped toy.

Some homes are hungry, some homes are sad.
Some homes are desperate, some homes are bad.
Some homes are broken, & children there grieve.
Those homes I visit, but what should I leave?

"My sleigh is filled with the happiest stuff,
But for homes where despair lives,
toys aren't enough.
So I tiptoe in, kiss each girl & boy,
And pray over them that they'll be given the joy

Of the spirit of Christmas, the spirit that lives
In the heart of the dear child who gets not,
but gives.
If only God hears me & answers my prayer,
When I visit next year, what I will find there

Are homes filled with peace,
and with giving, and love
And boys and girls gifted with light from above.
It's a very hard task, my smart little brother,
To give toys to some,
and to give prayers to others.

But the prayers are the best gifts,
the best gifts indeed,
For God has a way of meeting each need.
"That's part of the answer.
The rest, my dear youth,
Is that my sack is magic, And that is the truth.

In my sack I carry on Christmas Eve day
More love than a Santa could e'er give away.
The sack never empties of love, or of joys
'Cause inside it are prayers, and hopes.
Not just toys.

The more that I give, the fuller it seems,
Because giving is my way of fulfilling dreams.
"And do you know something?
You've got a sack, too.
It's as magic as mine, and it's inside of you.

It never gets empty, it's full from the start.
It's the centre of lights, and of love. It's your heart.
And if on this Christmas you want to help me,
Don't be so concerned with your gifts
'neath your tree.

Open that sack, call your heart, & share
Your joy, your friendship, your wealth, your care."
The light in the small boy's eyes was glowing.
"Thanks for the secret. I've got to be going."

"Wait, little boy," said Santa "don't go.
Will you share? Will you help?
Will you use what you know?"
And just for a moment the small boy stood still,
Touched his heart with his small hand & whispered,

"I will."

Author Unknown

Beautiful

2010-12-18T11:42:00.000-06:00

The days will come when you don't have the strength

When all you hear is you're not worth anything

Wondering if you ever could be loved

And if they truly saw your heart they'd see too much

You're beautiful

You are made so much more than all of this

You're beautiful

You are treasured, You are sacred, You are His

You're beautiful

And praying that you have the heart to find

Cause you are more than what is hurting you tonight

For all the lies you've held inside so long

And they are nothing in the shadow of the cross

You're beautiful

You are made so much more than all of this

You're beautiful

You are treasured, You are sacred, You are His

You're beautiful

Before you ever took a breath

Long before the world began

Of all the wonders He possessed

There was one more precious

Of all the earth and skys above

You're the one He madly loves

Enough to death

You're beautiful

In His eyes

You're beautiful

You were meant for so much more than all of this

You're beautiful

You are treasured, You are sacred, You are His

You're beautiful

You're meant for so much more than all of this

You're beautiful

You are treasured, You are sacred, You are His

Taking shape...

2010-10-28T07:00:00.002-05:00

It's almost my birthday! I have many personal and private deadlines and milestonesto both grieve and celebrate. Letting go of the past and embracing my future isboth heartbreaking and wonderful. As I sit here in the wee hours ofthe morning awakened by a familiar tugging at my heart, I can't help but befilled with tremendous gratitude for all that God has done in the past year. Even when myfaith was faltering, He was faithful and beyond faithful... God has beenmerciful and extravagant in His love.

Mydaughter, Victoria, wrote an essay for school this week. I'm posting it below.I encourage her to blog and she has her own little space on the internet butrarely posts since she's overwhelmed with keeping up with 5 AP classes, friendsand being a fabulous kid. Yes, I'm proud of both of my children. Ben is myprayer warrior. He is sensitive to people and I am the recipient of manyprophetic, healing and faith filled times of prayer with him. Each time I feellost and weary, my own children speak words of life and wisdom into my soul.Yes, I am blessed beyond measure.

Victoria'sessay below speaks about following, leading and being strong in who God made her to be. It's from a 16 year old girl’s perspective who is standing, manytimes alone, in a high school where longing to be right and honor God is notpopular. As I look around at my own grown-up world and check out my ownrelationships, I wonder if anything ever really changes. We are still, as adults, so desperate to follow. People compromise, live and die by theirfacebook popularity or who is following them on twitter and many times, seem so lost in excuses for not taking their own solid shape in this world thatthey can't possibly consider the challenges of being a leader. Perhaps most of us want the status of leadership without the humble, servant's heart and responsibility which unfold that honor. Leaders are willing to risk. Most of us play it safe.

Doing great things always requires great sacrifice.

Integrity is risky too. It costs us something, sometimes everything, and it's worth it. But integrityand charm are feigned by the most popular of us even in the real world, notjust in Tori's. We trade true power for popularity. I say this because it seems to me that most of us only do what isright when it gets us what we want. I don't want to be this way... I'malways checking my heart, judging myself... killing excuses.
But the world makes having excuses so easy. The expectations and approval of people around us, drive us. We long for some kind of false approval. We have excuses for hurting and using other people. Being charming to get what we want, yet without integrity are okay if we have the right reasons. The words 'because' and 'but' are used too often: I did this because... I said that because... I lied because... I'ddo what it takes but... I'd tell the truth but... I would forgive but.
We are just begging for the world around us to shape us when we keep our excuses.

Our buts and becauses are killing us.

AsTori says in her essay, life is too precious to waste and compromise who youare and I'd add that your purpose is too important and beautiful to fritter away with buts and becauses.

Theseare the things that, on my birthday, I'll be checking in me. I'll be judgingmyself... not out of lack... but out of love and gratitude for each brand new dayI've been gifted in the past year and for each brand new day I am gifted to spend wisely in the next...

Remember, dear brothers and sisters, that few of you were wise in the world’s eyes or powerful or wealthywhen God called you. Instead, God chose things the world considers foolish in order to shame those who think they are wise. And he chose things that are powerless to shame those who are powerful. God chose things despised by the world,things counted as nothing at all, and used them to bring to nothing what the world considers important. As a result, no one can ever boast in the presence of God.
God has united you with Christ Jesus. For our benefit God made him to be wisdom itself. Christ made us right with God; he made us pure and holy, and he freed us from sin. Therefore, "Let him who boasts boast in the Lord." 1 Corinthians 1:26-31

Wed, October 27, 2010 6:40:05 AM

I believe in the Individual

I am sitting in class just looking around at my peers; I see differences and the striking similarities nearly immediately. Of course everyone looks completely different; we have a student body that is very diverse in their outward appearances, but I notice something more, something that is deeper than just hair and eye color. All of the young adults sitting around me in my high school fit into one of two categories; leaders and followers. But nearly everyone resembles a follower and the leaders are few and far between, according to Webster a follower is- a person who follows another in regard to his or her ideas or belief; disciple or adherent. If I close my eyes, I can easily picture a room of sheep roaming impatiently and mindlessly, awaiting eagerly to find something or someone to herd and direct them. Most people are easily influenced. They hold almost no real shape; they let anything sculpt who they are and what they should stand for, if anything at all. There is something in most people, a need to feel accepted by others, this is natural and healthy up until the point you let it change who you once were. This is in the real world as well as my high school class; it’s demonstrated all around us constantly. I believe one person can make a difference and effect others exponentially, I believe being different is a wonderful thing to be.

My best friend Jake and I were on one of our regular walks when he began to describe to me a list he created early one morning while sitting outside on his porch just thinking. On this list were the names of people for whom he would take a bullet, people for whom he would make the ultimate sacrifice in order for them to continue living. He said that he created this list so that if he was ever in a horrible situation where he would have to make this impossible decision, he would actually have reason and rhyme behind it all. After listening to my very dear friend describe something hypothetical and horrific, I can’t help but realize that people, whether consciously or unconsciously, all have a list such as this. Every day we are fortunate just in the event of seeing the dawn, every single day is a blessing. But every day we are trading each of these valuable gifts for something. For what are we trading each precious day? People, most of the time thoughtlessly, makes sacrifices for other individuals and circumstances. All day long, from beginning to end, we give part of ourselves to other people. It’s not as extreme as my friend’s list was describing, they are only small pieces most of the time, but they are still parts of us; our time, energy, our motivations, ambitions, thoughts, actions, and passions. We give bits of ourselves away all the time, without even knowing. While realizing this, I began to think about who exactly is on my list? Have they earned that right to be there? I think the people who will ask themselves these questions will spend themselves more wisely, they won’t take for granted the sacrifice that they are making, much like taking a bullet. The bits and pieces of you and your life deserve to be spent deliberately and conscientiously. Don’t go through this life and realize that you have unknowingly taken a bullet, and given much of yourself away that you will never be able to take back. I believe you are valuable, even the small pieces.

Today, it seems to me that self worth and importance rely on the conformation and approval of others. In high school especially, you are proven significant by the number of Facebook friends and Twitter followers you have. You are not deemed a leader by having the most Twitter followers. In all actuality, usually the people who value how many internet friends they have on these superficial social networking sites are actually the biggest followers of them all. They strive for the validation of others, usually to the point of only writing and posting things that they believe will get them even more friends and acceptance. This is how many people so easily become fake; they won’t post things that might make them lose a few of these very important friends. Ultimately, they are slaves to others. This is so easily transitioned into real life as well, people want acceptance and find it difficult to stand for things that others may disagree with. It’s important to know who you are. What do you believe, stand for, what things earn your respect and attention? Don’t let others influence they way you are and the things that you stand for. If you think that drinking under age is wrong then you might have to miss a few parties and it may even feel lonely for a while, but being different is a good thing when the majority of people are making poor decisions. It’s like everyone has a horrible disease and you feel left out because you are fortunate enough to not have it. It seems like the majority of teenagers today have this overwhelming desire to self destruct and ruin their lives before they even start. It’s hard to say no and be different, no one said going against the current was an easy swim, but where is that current taking you?

Now could you imagine going one giant leap further and not only standing alone for something, but standing up also and making your opinions and passions known to others, who you know don’t agree with you? An amazing man demonstrated the real definition of leadership a long time ago, his name is Martin Luther King jr. He stood up against racism and for American citizens basic rights in a time period when he was discriminated against and discredited. He knew right and wrong, and despite the world strongly going against what he knew to be true, he didn’t let their influences change or falter what he believed in. In fact, he stood up and proclaimed that he believed differently than nearly the entire world. I’m sure that Martin Luther King jr felt lonely at times, just like I have often felt, but he pushed through all of that and stood up for what he knew was right anyway. He didn’t let the world change him, he changed the world. Martin Luther King jr was different, and he was a true leader. I don’t believe that everyone can be a famous leader like Martin Luther King jr, but all of us should be leaders. We should all have our own identities, beliefs, passions, and thoughts.

In my high school today and in the real world, people are trying to figure out who they are and what they are going to become. These young undecided minds, some of which I’ve grown too really love and care about, do in fact change in short periods of time. This is probably a healthy thing often, but it pains me deeply when I see my peers change for the worst, especially when what prompted the change was the influence of other undefined minds who also have no idea what they are doing. Take one of my best friends, she and I grew up in church together and when we stepped foot into high school we both had the same morals, dreams and expectations for ourselves. My experiences have strengthened and reinforced my original beliefs; her experiences have challenged and tested them. She now appears to be undecided. I do know that I am going to change, but I believe that there are some things you have to decide early on in life that are important to you, and you have to stand with them no matter how many people, especially young adults disagree with you. When I was growing up, sometime in Elementary School, our teachers talked with us about peer pressure and saying no to drugs. I’ve come to find that this applies to not only drugs and alcohol, but nearly everything significant in life. And the teachers did warn us that it was going to be a challenging thing to do. That was one of the most important things I ever learned in a class room, I am planning on taking this difficult skill and practice it for as long as I live. I believe everyone is valuable. My prayer is for people sitting around me to realize this as well, that they spend the small pieces of themselves wisely, and that they don’t let the world compromise who they are and what makes them unique individuals. I believe that one individual with a compass is valuable to many who are lost.

Gravity...

2010-10-27T05:13:00.000-05:00

The following is from Don Miller's play Polaroids.
It deeply affected me and always will...
So I thought I'd share.
If you've read Blue Like Jazz you've read this and probably loved it too.
It's worth a special place in your heart.

The scene is about a change in the heart of a man who chooses to

stay rather than leave... He kneels down by her as she sleeps and whispers...

What great gravity is this that drew my soul toward yours? What great force, that though I went falsely, went kicking, went disguising myself to earn your love, also disguised, to earn your keeping, your resting, your staying, your will fleshed into mine, rasped by a slowly revealed truth, the barter of my soul, the soul that I fear, the soul that I loathe, the soul that: if you will love, I will love. I will redeem you, if you will redeem me? Is this our purpose, you and I together to pacify each other, to lead each other toward the lie that we are good, that we are noble, that we need not redemption, save the one that you and I invented of our own clay?

I am not scared of you, my love, I am scared of me.

I went looking, I wrote out a list, I drew and image, I bled a poem of you. You were pretty, and my friends believed I was worthy of you. You were clever, but I was smarter, perhaps the only one smarter, the only one able to lead you. You see, love, I did not love you, I loved me. And you were only a tool that I used to fix myself, to fool myself, to redeem myself. And though I have taught you to lay your lily hand in mine, I walk alone, for I cannot talk to you , lest you talk it back to me, lest I believe that I am not worthy, not deserving, not redeemed.

I want desperately for you to be my friend. But you are not my friend; you have slid up warmly to the man I wanted to be, the man I pretended to be, and I was your Jesus and, you were mine. Should I show you who I am, we may crumble. I am not scared of you, my love, I am scared of me.

I want to be known and loved anyway. Can you do this? I trust by your easy breathing that you are human, like me. My love, do I know you? What is this great gravity that pulls us so painfully toward each other? Why do we not connect? Will we be forever in fleshing this out? And how will we with words, narrow words, come into the knowing of each other? Is this God's way of meriting grace, of teaching us the labyrinth of His love for us, teaching us, in degrees, that which He is sacrificing to join ourselves to Him? Or better yet, has he formed our being fractional so that we might conclude one great hope, plodding and sighing and breathing into one another in such a great push that we might break through into the known and being loved, only to cave into a greater perdition and fall down at His throne still begging for our acceptance? Begging for our completion?

We were fools to believe that we would redeem each other.

Were I some sleeping Adam, to wake and find you resting at my rib, to share these things that God has done, to walk you through the garden, to counsel your timid steps, your bewildered eye, your heart so slow to love, so careful to love, so sheepish that I stepped up my aim and became a man. Is this what God intended? That though He made you from my rib, it is you who is making me, humbling me, destroying me, and in so doing revealing Him.

Will we be in ashes before we are one?

What great gravity is this that drew my heart towards yours? What great force collapsed in my orbit, my lonesome state? What is this that wants in me the want in you? Don't we go at each other with yielded eyes, with cumbered hands and feet, with clunky tongues? This deed is unattainable! We cannot know each other!

I am quiting this thing, but not what you think. I am not going away.

I will give you this, my love, and I will not bargain or barter any longer. I will love you, as sure as He loved me. I will discover what I can discover and though you remain a mystery in the warmest chamber of my heart, the very chamber where God has stowed Himself in me. And I will do this to my death, and to death it may bring me.

I will love you like God, because of God, mighted by the power of God. I will stop expecting your love, demanding your love, trading for your love, gaming for your love. I will simply love. I am giving myself to you, and tomorrow I will do it again. I suppose the clock itself will wear thin it is time before I am ended at this altar of dying and dying again.

God risked Himself on me. I will risk myself on you. And together, we will learn to love, and perhaps then, and only then, understand this gravity that drew Him, unto us.

Impossible Love....

2010-10-22T01:19:00.012-05:00

I haven’t posted new stuff in a while. Mostly because Ithink the last thing the world needs is another blog. Especially anotherreligious or spiritual blog from someone who thinks they have it figured out.And I don’t have anything figured out. I get pretty excited when I find thingsto help me grow. I write to myself almost entirely... with passion and listsof scripture to back up my words. My last two posts were like that. Lots ofpeople read them. Well, lots of people to me pretty much means anyone otherthan my family and the two other people I ask to read my stuff just to makesure I didn’t use ‘your’ when I mean ‘you’re’ and ‘their’ when I mean‘they’re’.

But I’ve been writing a lot and not posting. I write aboutlife and love and God. I write to God too. But I talk to God as I run throughthe trails and He already pretty much knows what nonsense I’m going to type.So, I pull up the little paper-clip-man on my Word app and write to him. I namedhim Larry. Larry reads all my stuff and blinks and nods with approval. Larryloves my writing although sometimes I find it annoying the way he won’t allowme to use sentence fragments. I love to write in fragments. I break a lot of rulesthat Larry doesn’t think I should. I break a lot of rules period.

I have this post about love that I wrote back in April andre-shared a few days ago titled Saved by Love. I wrote that entry when I waslanding at rock bottom in my life. I remember feeling very alone. I remembertrying to feel God. And I remember wondering if He had given up on me and letme go. I would pray but in return all I could hear was the angry voice of thelast person who treated me as worthless. I didn’t feel lovable and worse, I hada mental list of about 1000 reasons why I was not lovable. Yet, I wrote Saved by Love anyway, by faith.

It’s hard for me to read it even now without crying. Notbecause it’s so moving or awesome but because I was very literally saved by love. And not the way I thought I would be. It wasn't up to me, it was all God. To be honest, I don’t do love the way I longto. I try. Larry and God know how hard I try. Some days, loving certain peopleis such a struggle and I fail so miserably that I wonder if it’s even possible.God said to do it. Why would God ask me to do something that is impossible?Believing that it’s possible to love and forgive some things is an act ofextreme faith for me because just when I think I have a handle on thisstruggle, someone comes along with accusing and angry words and believe me,anything but love comes out toward them.

I have a little cat named Kismet. She’s very small andfragile because of birth defects. Kismet wasn’t supposed to live very long whenwe got her 6 years ago. But we protected and babied her and even though she hasonly one lung and a weak heart, she’s happy and healthy with the exception of abad day now and then when she struggles to breathe and makes lots of littlesnorting noises. On these bad days, Kismet keeps to herself, presses her littlenose close to a wall or pillow to feel her own breath and keeps very still.Kismet barely weighs two and a half pounds. Yet, I have a scar on my left armfrom the time she clawed me because I was holding her when the neighbor’s dogran into our house and frightened her. Kismet can puff herself up to twice her normal size so fast and herlittle claws are like razors. This display of fierceness used to happen on aregular basis.

Enter Joey. Joey is my big slobbery mutt and 120 pounds ofsolid muscle. Joey is famous for being protective and scary to people outsideof the family. He also chases cats, squirrels, skunks, other dogs, UPS men,innocent walkers and joggers etc… you get the idea. Joey is a handful. And whenJoey met Kismet he immediately flattened her with his giant paw. She puffed up,claws out and held her ground. My heart was pounding out of my chest as Iwatched this stand off between my tiny frail cat and my giant ill-mannered dog.Then something wonderful happened. Joey laid down at her little clawed feetwith his chin on the ground and sat very still as she relaxed and put her clawsaway. From that moment on, even though Joey still chases every other cat hesees, he protects his own. And another interesting thing has happened. Since Joey came into her life, I have never seen Kismet pull her claws outagain at anyone or anything. She doesn’t need her claws. She has Joey.

In my search for answers about impossible love I think aboutKismet and Joey. I think about God and me. I think about all the times I’vepuffed up in defense with claws out. I wonder whom I’ve scarred all because Ifelt powerless.

I heard a great sermon about selfishness and love this week.The preacher explained that human love is selfish and self-seeking. Thelove of God is unconditional. Human love is conditional. We all know this.Don’t we? I mean, isn’t it obvious? We all have relationships that have so manyexpectations and conditions. Entire families are built upon these conditions.And families are falling apart every day. About every other wedding I attend quotes the love chapter 1^stCorinthians 13. But it all seems so impossible. Impossible love isn’t worthmuch to anyone. Is it?

And we are all so selfish. I am. Selfishness means seekingyour own advantage, seeking your own pleasure and our own well being withoutregard for others. It’s all about me and about my own rights. Somehow, we haveconvinced ourselves that selfishness is okay, that being fearful is okay, thatdoubting is okay and jealousy is okay. None of these things are okay. They killlove.

True Godly love is seeking the other person’s advantage.It’s seeking someone else’s pleasure and happiness and seeking THEIR well beingwithout regard for self.

Impossible love.

1^st John 4:7-12 Dearfriends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loveshas been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God,because God is love. This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his oneand only Soninto the world that we might live through him. This islove: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as anatoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we alsoought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love oneanother, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us.

So, from what I can tell, there is no love apart from God.The rest is the selfish stuff. The stuff that destroys us and leads us tobecome people we never wanted to become.

The selfishness of Satan is described in Isaiah 14:13-14. Hewas out to gain for himself and he is the embodiment of selfishness. Selfishnessoriginated with Satan.

There are laws.

Laws of love, life, death, selfishness… like the law of gravity,which apply all the time, every time. The law of sin and death is talked aboutall through the Bible, especially in the book of Romans. The law of love andlife is everywhere too. So I’m thinking that when we love selfishly, we are subjectto the laws of death and destruction, much like stepping off a cliff enacts thelaws of gravity in the most painful way. What if we enact the laws of love andlife? Do we put into action the laws of unconditional love, leading to abundantlife? This is what the Bible says. Is the Bible true or not?

I’ve been privately writing about the armor of God a lot.Ephesians 6 is one of my favorite chapters right now. I was working onunderstanding the sword of The Spirit which is the word of God (the Bible)which is described as a two edged sword and I was so excited to find that ithas two edges because though one edge is for wielding against the enemy of oursouls, the other edge is to be used on our own soul, to change us, removingwhatever needs removing. Okay so I’m not writing about the sword here. I wasthinking about the SHIELD… of FAITH.

Ephesians 6:16 In addition to all this, take up the shield offaith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one.

If I understand who I am in God, if I understand His greatlove for me and if I can take hold of all that God says about me and believethat, by faith, then my shield is my faith in HIS love.

I think selfishness comes from having an identity crisis. Webecome controlled by emotions and what people say about us and who doesn’t loveus enough. These negative emotions rob us of our identity and authority we haveas a child of God.

We have to hide behind that shield of faith and resist hurt,inferiority, rejection and offense. These things come from a sense of powerlessnessand so we fight, like helpless victims who have no protection other than ourown weak defenses. We lower our true protection… faith in who and Whose we are.

Every single time I believe what anyone else says about meor anything contrary to what God says about who I am and what I can do in Him,I am dropping my shield of faith. And I am going to get hit and injured anddestroyed by whatever this world throws at me.

Kismet can put her claws away because she hides behind Joey.Nothing can hurt her with him around. It’s time that I trust my God to defendme and stop being afraid to love. It’s time to hide behind that shield of faithand stop being offended and hurt and afraid.

Now, it’s my job to build that faith in my Great Protectorand my faith in HIS love. To stop protecting myself and allow God tohave that job. To believe His word about who and what I am and defeat the voice ofselfishness.

Impossible love. Indeed.

Jesus looked at them andsaid, "With man this is impossible, but with God all things arepossible." Matthew 19:26

Warrior's Prayer

2010-10-10T21:29:00.002-05:00

Heavenly Father,

Your warrior prepares for battle.

Today I claim victory over Satan by putting on

the whole armor of God!

I put on the Girdle of Truth!

May I stand firm in the truth of your Word

so I will not be a victim of Satan's lies.

I put on the Shoes of Peace!

May I stand firm on the Good News of the Gospel

so Your peace will shine through me

and be a light to all I encounter.

I take the Shield of Faith!

May I be ready for Satan's fiery darts of

doubt, denial and deceit

so I will not be vulnerable to spiritual defeat.

I put on the Helmet of Salvation!

May I keep my mind focused on You

so Satan will not have a stronghold on my

thoughts.

I take the Sword of the Spirit!

May the two-edged sword of Your Word

be ready in my hands

so I can expose the tempting words of SAtan.

By faith your warrior has put on

the whole armor of God!

I am prepared to live this day in spiritual victory!

Amen

I received this is in church this morning... exactly what I needed... and exactly what every one who intends to fight the good fight needs. Victory is ours!!

Run Baby Run...

2010-10-08T19:28:00.002-05:00

Run... Run... Run away from me... you end up running right into me...

I've Been Running Trying To Find Me a Refuge
Never Stopping Long Enough To See
All The While You Were Right There Waiting
To Hide Me In The Shadow Of Your Wings

Under The Shadow
Under The Shadow
Under The Shadow Of Your Wings
I Will Find My Rest
Under The Shadow
Under The Shadow
Under The Shadow Of Your Wings
I Will Find My Rest

I Get So Thirsty Trying To Find Your Presence
That I Forget To Stop And Take A Drink
All The While You Are Right There Wanting
To Pour Your Healing Water Over Me

Under The Shadow Of Your Wings
I Will Find My Rest

~ Jason Upton

Winning the War for the High Ground…part 2

2010-10-05T23:14:00.009-05:00

Finally… :)

I've been wrestling with all of this new revelation about warfare and the high ground of the mind. I do not merely long to be a writer of truth… but a doer. A real doer.

So here, in probably the most sketchy & scattered post so far, is my 'how to' hold the high ground of the mind that Jesus bought for us with his own precious blood.

The enemy can not take the high ground unless he can convince us to abandon it!

There are basically 3 ways Satan attacks our mind.

1. Through lies and deception.

The enemy of our soul launches subtle lies at our minds for the same reason an army launches bombs and heavy artillery at an enemy's fortified position - to weaken our defenses. Your fortified position is weakened when you doubt the Word of God and the character of God!

Ephesians 4:27 says, "Do not give place to the devil." or in other versions "do not give the devil a 'foothold'!

We know that the enemy wants us to entertain deceptions and then begin to doubt the goodness of God so he can have a toe-hold, then eventually, he can gain a foot-hold and then a strong-hold mentally and emotionally.

This is what he did to Eve in the garden and it's what he continues to do today. The Serpent does not have any new tricks!

All of us have been through tragedy and heartbreak and then wondered how God, if He loved us, could allow us to suffer or allow our loved ones to suffer so horribly.

These seeds of doubt do not happen by accident.

These thoughts are arrows launched to weaken our hold on the high ground, weakening our faith in the goodness of God and questioning that John 3:16 just might not be true after all. Satan wants us to question God's character!

Before you know it, we are wondering if God really is good. We don't know if He loves us in a real way… especially after all of the mistakes we've made. Right?

Personally, I know I have made enough mistakes to earn the hottest place in hell.

BUT!!! … John 3:16 is true. ALWAYS. "For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life."

2. Evil thoughts and fantasies

2nd Corinthians 10:5: "Casting down imaginations (or arguments), and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ;"

The word used here is sometimes 'argument' and sometimes 'imaginations' in these verses… either word is an acceptable translation. Every thought you have that is contrary to the word of God is an "argument against God" and so the enemy will purposely give you thoughts to contradict God's word. But I think imaginations is the best interpretation because it is far more graphic for what the enemy wants to accomplish in your life! He wants to put in your mind evil imaginations, mental images, and feed your thoughts and your fantasies.

Why is pornography so destructive to the human soul and the human mind? I'll tell you why, because those images are forever locked away in our mind for Satan to pull out of his arsenal and use against us for the rest of our lives. That is why Proverbs 4:23 says to "guard your heart for it is the wellspring of life". Porn not only captures your imagination but your heart.

So God has given us the Breastplate of Righteousness to protect our heart and the Helmet of Salvation to protect our mind. What is the difference?. The heart has to do the with the attitudes and emotions and the mind has to do with thoughts and meditations.

It's critical that we guard both our heart and our mind. Why? Because if we don't, Satan will introduce an evil thought or fantasy… because he is trying to lure us down the hill. First, he wants us to enjoy that evil thought or fantasy… and after enjoying it mentally, then he wants us to entertain that evil thought or fantasy a while... and after entertaining it a while… eventually, we will enact that evil thought or fantasy. And that is how he wants to lure us down off of the high ground & safe fortress and then DEFEAT us!

I'll give you case in point… I would say that nobody, with a few exceptions, has ever woken up one morning and thought "ya know? today is a good day to go commit adultery… I think today would be a good day to go blow up my family and blow up my marriage, I need to go commit adultery today!" Nobody really does that. I'll tell you what they do.. for weeks on end, Satan puts an unclean thought in their head. Satan brings somebody along into their path, who is nothing more than Satan's little puppet to tempt them…(I have been that puppet!)… they enjoy that thought for a while, maybe days, even weeks… after enjoying it, they begin to entertain it, really meditating on it... and so the progression goes from enjoying, to entertaining, to finally enacting.

Romans 12:2

3. Negative feelings and emotions.

Many christians are simply emotional basket cases because they are prisoners of their emotions. Depression & despondency has made them POW's! Many of us are in bondage to bitterness or un-forgiveness. (anger)

Put on the helmet of salvation to protect your mind/emotions. Ephesians 6:17

*Tear down the mental idols you have erected in your mind. Paul says in 2 Corinthians 10:5 (above) "casting down imaginations and every high thing".

The high thing is a reference to idolatry" - the pagans would erect idols in the 'high places" - but idolatry always leads to captivity! This represents 'high places in our mind" recurrent, self defeating thoughts are those high places! (self pity is idolatry!)

* Erect in place of the mental idol that has played with your emotions… instead, erect a Godly thought or image! How about the image of who you are in Christ!! How about dwelling on your power and rights as a child of God?

Ungodly thoughts (thoughts that are unworthy of a child of God) lead to slavery and captivity, but Godly thoughts lead to liberty and victory!

* Bring your every thought captive to the obedience of Jesus Christ! wage war for your mind daily!!

YOU CANNOT ALWAYS HELP HOW YOU FEEL, BUT YOU CAN ALWAYS HELP HOW YOU THINK!

When the enemy comes to tell you that you have no power just remember 1st John 2:1 My little children, these things write I unto you, that ye sin not. And if any man sin, we have an advocate with the Father, Jesus Christ the righteous!

Right thoughts eventually produce right feelings!

When you are feeling what is wrong, start thinking what is RIGHT! Get control of your emotions by getting control of your thoughts!

What God wants to use to build you... Satan wants to use to destroy you.

Here is my personal example: Maybe you've been betrayed by somebody you love. I know I have.. and there is no greater pain that trusting someone and having that trust broken and your heart shattered. For a time, I let bitterness take hold and almost destroy me… keeping me in bondage and constantly feeling the pain of betrayal over and over again… this was just another trap of the enemy of my soul.

But one day I saw clearly that God commanded me to FORGIVE! what? that is the LAST thing I wanted to do... but eventually, I longed to be free.

Luke 6:37,38 "Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you."

God never commands and emotion, he always commands MOTION… which leads to liberty. God expects action… it's up to you… you can choose life or death… there is no in-between.

.... please go to Abundant Life for sermon excerpts that changed my life.

Winning the War for the High Ground… part 1

2010-09-29T22:32:00.016-05:00

1st Corinthians 10:3-6 "For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war after the flesh: For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal (worldly), but mighty through God to the pulling down of strong holds. Casting down (overcoming) imaginations, and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ;"

Often times, the tone for our day is set before we even brush our teeth. With one single thought, either good or bad that we choose to entertain, our day is set in motion. Many people are at the mercy of whatever happens to them or around them, sometimes even the TV news sets them on a dark path of dark thoughts, dark circumstances and in the end a bad day, which leads to another bad day and another. What if we can choose? What if our happiness is as simple as staking our claim upon the high ground of our mind, will and emotions? Guess what? I have good news. It really is just that simple… and it begins in our spirit.

Spiritual warfare is about winning the war within. It's a war for the soul! (mind, will and emotions)

To win the war within, you must follow the chain of command. The Spirit is meant to rule the soul, and the soul is mean to rule over the body. Like God, as a child of God… we are Triune beings. We have a body, soul, and we ARE a spirit. The spirit is meant to have authority over the soul and the soul is meant to govern the body. The spirit is meant to rule and the soul is meant to rest. But this chain of command is often, in fact usually reversed!!

How many of us are totally ruled by every physical desire we have or every little emotion that comes over us? We react to stimuli around us every day with no real control or direction. This leads to destruction because we are at the mercy of the forces around us. I've lived it and I've watched the people I love most be destroyed by following their every physical and emotional desire. If we yield to this long enough and never gain control over our bodies and souls (mind, will and emotions), we are destined for a life of complete selfishness and loss.

A spirit filled Christian is one who has submitted his/her mind, will and emotions to the control of the Spirit of God and then submitted their body to the control of the renewed mind. But the enemy is waging a war for your soul even if he can no longer have your born again spirit. If he can control your mind and emotions, he can control you. He can defeat you in every way while you live on this earth.

In warfare, whoever takes the high ground wins the battle.

Whoever possesses the high ground is fighting from a fortified, elevated position and has the advantage over the enemy. We can see this all throughout history. One of the most famous examples is the battle for Iwo Jima in WWII in the South Pacific. It was only 11 square miles but the island was strategically located and absolutely critical to allied forces. The big problem was that the Japanese were fortified at Mount Suribachi, the highest point on the island. Iwo Jima is said to be the most fought for piece of real-estate in all of history. But because the Japanese were fortified on the high ground, the assault lasted 36 days and costs 6900 dead American GI's and 26,000 American casualties total. Who can forget that iconic American symbol of the US marines finally climbing to the top of Mount Suribachi and erecting the American flag in Victory on the high ground. They had literally bought that ground with their blood.

But 2000 years ago before the bloody battle for Mount Suribachi, Jesus Christ climbed to the top of a different mountain, Calvary and claimed the high ground for you and me. Jesus Christ posted his flag over your life… bought with his blood.

But listen very carefully… Satan wants to take it back. He wants to barrage your mind with temptation, needs, selfishness, deception, ambition, negative thoughts, discouragement… anything he can use to cause you to surrender that high ground to him.

He can not have one tiny piece of your mind without your permission!!

Once you allow the enemy to become fortified upon the high ground of your mind, will and emotions, he has the stronghold and you will live a defeated life.

But!!!!! Here is the good news!!

You already have a fortified position, a stronghold, bought by Jesus. You already possess the high ground!

What is a stronghold? The words mountain fortress are translated stronghold. You have already been given the high ground. In fact Jesus Christ IS the high ground... a protection, stronghold and fortress against the enemy of your soul!

All you have to do is STAND and not come down!!

Look at Psalm 18:2&3 The Lord is my Rock, my Fortress, and my Deliverer; my God, my keen and firm Strength in Whom I will trust and take refuge, my Shield, and the Horn of my salvation, my High Tower. I will call upon the Lord, Who is to be praised; so shall I be saved from my enemies.

Jesus is your fortress, your stronghold, your strong tower… so shall you be saved from your enemies!

When those enemies are trying to invade your life and take over the high ground of your mind… So SHALL YOU BE SAVED FROM YOUR ENEMIES means this… so shall you be saved from: this illicit relationship… from this pornography…. from this emotional bondage… so shall you be saved from discouragement or depression… or fear or anxiety, so shall I be saved from the fiery darts of the enemy. Jesus has already won the high ground of your life when he conquered Calvary, he has posted his colors. You have already won.

But Satan is waging a war to back you down off of your victory.

You will either back down off of your high ground and surrender your mind to the enemy or you will STAND.

part two tomorrow... how to stand your ground!

*****
below is a video greeting just for you... I've taken you to where I wrestle with my own thoughts... I did not quote my email address correctly here. It's actually Drjaynee@yahoo.com (two ee's!) :-)

.... please go to Abundant Life for sermon excerpts that changed my life.

I will not survive to make people comfortable... but to stir things up a bit!

2010-09-28T18:54:00.001-05:00

What a treasure this woman is... Gianna Jessen. She has been blogged by several bloggers today... I first saw her videos on facebook this morning, sent to me by my precious friend Merily Pompa. Yet, I had to capture her courage and make it my own. Personally, I will never be the same after watching these two simple yet powerful videos.

I want as many people to hear her heart and message as possible!

As I fight my own wars and throw off the self pity and pride that so often hold me back from the purpose of my calling, there are those, such as Gianna Jessen, who come along and act as a catalyst to my growing passion to glorify God with the COURAGE to...."speak the truth in love and graciousness and to stand up and at least be willing to be hated."

"or.... at the end of the day, is it just all about you? or me?"

The silent holocaust of abortion is only one of the horrible symptoms of a people without hope. Selfishness, lust, cruelty, pride and anything that brings gain & pleasure is mostly what this world is about in these times, even in the church. I myself have been used, rejected and thrown aside and left wondering "what am I worth?" The answer? You are worth EVERYTHING to a powerful and miraculous God who loves you! So.. what if you are weak? mentally? physically? emotionally? what if life has left you crippled? Consider yourself a gift to this world and walk with your head held high... be bold and know that YOU have a purpose and that the God of the universe will shine through you if you only surrender to HIM...
Let your light shine!

"there are things that you will only be able to learn by the weakest among us. and when you snuff them out you are the one that loses… the Lord looks after them but you are the one that will suffer forever!"

Pay close attention to Gianna's message to Men and to Woman:

"Men: YOU are made for greatness... you are made to stand up and be men. You are made to defend women and children... not stand by and turn your head when you know murder is ocuring and do nothing about it! You are not made to use women and to leave us alone. You are made to be kind and great and gracious and strong and to stand for something!!"

"Women: You are not made for abuse! You are not made to sit and not know your worth and your value! You are made to be fought for!! forever... "
So own this.... "I'm his girl... you don't mess with God's girl. I've got a sign on my forehead that says "You'd better be nice to be because my father runs the world!"

What sort of people are we going to be?

"A person obsessed with our OWN glory... or obsessed with the glory of GOD!!"

Dare to Hope!

2010-08-01T17:29:00.013-05:00

“Every loss is uniquely devastating for the person going through it.”

Those are the words of a great and humble man, Robert Rogers, whom I met this morning and whose story has changed something deep in my heart. These past two years, I’ve experienced great loss, the loss of my step mom whom I loved very much, the loss of my love & best friend, the loss of many other precious friends, the loss of a family in Tennessee that I had grown to think of as my own, the loss of my dreams, the loss of a great sister and hero to my children, the loss of my home, the loss of who I used to be… the loss of pride, ambition and every earthly possession I’ve ever called ‘mine’. There have been times in the past few months that I counted my life as worthless and longed for heaven. These were times of hopelessness and deep grief but mostly, self-pity, selfishness and some romantic desire to ‘be rescued’ somehow.

This does not bring honor to God... who is my only true rescuer. It wasn't until I admitted that I was helpless without HIM... that I could finally be rescued.

Watch this video: it will change your heart….

I’ve been living here…

Lamentations 2:19-20 “I'll never forget the trouble, the utter lostness, the taste of ashes, the poison I've swallowed. I remember it all—oh, how well I remember—the feeling of hitting the bottom.”

And not moving on to here…

Lamentations 2: 21-25 “Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him." The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him.”

What do you do when your whole world is washed away?

Psalm 50:15 Call on Me in the day of trouble; I will deliver you, and you shall honor and glorify Me.

Either you believe… or you don’t believe…

Psalm 23:4 “Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.”

I should be asking myself not, “HOW can I get out of this pain?” but “WHAT can I gain from this? HOW can I glorify God in this pain?”

I want to be like Paul in Philippians 3:7-8 “But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more; I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ”

Surrender into God’s hands that which you do not understand…

It’s not about me… It’s about how I can let God have what I am and not what I hope to be or wish I was, or wait until the shame subsides. There will always be those who bring you shame, the enemy will see to it. I can give God what I am now! When people, even my enemies, say that I’m ‘a beautiful woman’ this doesn’t matter at all. Because these things are not beautiful: adultery, fornication, lying, pretending, vanity, selfishness, ambition, defensiveness, unforgiveness, strife, competitiveness, greed, envy, jealousy and self pity… these are UGLY… and this is what I had to offer God. But God loved me in my mess. He took all of me, good and bad, and in return, gave me HIMSELF… and the fruit of the Spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness. 1 Peter 3:3-4 Don’t be concerned about the outward beauty of fancy hairstyles, expensive jewelry, or beautiful clothes. You should clothe yourselves instead with the beauty that comes from within, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is so precious to God.

He took my mess and made a masterpiece…

2 Corinthians 5:17 “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!”

God will heal your heart whether your world was washed away by your own sin or by tragedies beyond your control… Our God is just that big and loves you just THAT much…

Isaiah 43:1-3 “Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by your name;

You are Mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;

And through the rivers, they shall not overflow you.

When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned,

Nor shall the flame scorch you.

For I am the LORD your God,

The Holy One of Israel, your Savior;

I have ransomed you from your enemies!"

How can your light (God’s light) best shine through me in my darkest hour? By letting Him have it... by THANKING Him IN it!!!

Romans 8:18 “I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.”

James 5:11 “As you know, we consider blessed those who have persevered. You have heard of Job's perseverance and have seen what the Lord finally brought about. The Lord is full of compassion and mercy.”

Robert Roberts opened my eyes today... He helped me to see this one valuable thing...

My pain is not about me... it's about Him... I can give it to Him... and He will be glorified...

One more thing...

When you are hurting... it's time to SERVE OTHERS...

God knew you would need a savior before you were born. None of your mistakes surprise Him. None of your messes are too big for Him... He saw you right where you are before the foundations of the world. And He loves you endlessly... gave Himself for YOU... if you were the only person that existed, He would still rescue you... just like He has rescued me.

Thank you Robert Rogers for showing me that no matter what I have to face... I can still thank God for each and every beautiful day and let Him carry me through it all... After we saw the video I have posted above.. Robert took the stage, in the dark, his lone voice full of faith and hope... singing...
Because He lives, I can face tomorrow.
Because He lives, All fear is gone.
Because I know He holds the future,
And life is worth the living just because He lives.

***If you're looking to be a blessing and to BE blessed... sowing into good ground, you might consider giving to this ministry. Also, His book will change your life. Into the Deep...

the fruit of wisdom

2010-07-31T18:41:00.004-05:00

Today was an insanely early day because I wanted to spend time in The Word, run & sprint hills before tackling a morning of work, then a fun afternoon with the kids.

The first verses I read are below. James 3:13-18

I meditated on these words throughout my run, then stopped at my usual place where the ducks gather and as I watched them gobble up the cheerios I tossed to them, I couldn't help but weep in gratitude. I didn't merely weep.. I sobbed ridiculously.

I had been so full of selfish worry and grief. I allowed the cares of this world and careless words of others to cause me to forget to trust God with my defense and my future. Also, when I awoke this morning, I was greeted with an encouraging email from a Godly couple whom I've never met but have grown to trust as my wise counsel and to pastor me over the miles that separate us. This beautiful couple's words washed over me with mercy, healing and wisdom. Add to that the many prayers and countless encouraging texts from my adopted 'spiritual father' and I suddenly felt so humbled and so silly for ever allowing these pressures and shame to weigh me down. I have been sent many saints and angels. I've been given many examples of courage and love. Inspiration is literally everywhere I look!! (if I will only look!) I have the infallible Word of God! I have His presence and comfort. I have everything I need.
I am truly blessed. And, so are YOU my friend... abundantly blessed and incomprehensibly loved.

This is what wisdom does. This is what Jesus does...

"Wisdom from above is first pure, peace loving, gentle at all times, humble, willing to yield to others, full of mercy, good deeds and always sincere. These are the peacemakers who plant seeds of righteousness."
I have received this from my dearest, prayerful friends both here and from far away.
Then this morning, I read it from the heart of God..

and now... I choose to live it.

James 3:13-18

¹³ If you are wise and understand God’s ways, prove it by living an honorable life, doing good works with the humility that comes from wisdom. ¹⁴ But if you are bitterly jealous and there is selfish ambition in your heart, don’t cover up the truth with boasting and lying. ¹⁵ For jealousy and selfishness are not God’s kind of wisdom. Such things are earthly, unspiritual, and demonic. ¹⁶ For wherever there is jealousy and selfish ambition, there you will find disorder and evil of every kind. ¹⁷ But the wisdom from above is first of all pure. It is also peace loving, gentle at all times, and willing to yield to others. It is full of mercy and good deeds. It shows no favoritism and is always sincere. ¹⁸ And those who are peacemakers will plant seeds of peace and reap a harvest of righteousness.

Anonymous

2010-07-29T22:08:00.009-05:00

Today was hard... I had been working on an especially difficult post dealing with admission of sin(mine). I'm vulnerable here, on this blog. I try to be real, admit my failures and allow you to walk with me through the miracles of my healing. I want people to see my failures and faults... And I want them to see how great our God is when we allow Him to have our messes... I'm not a very tough person although I try so hard. I push through fear. I run when I'm in pain. (literally miles and miles) But my heart is easily broken. I hate to disappoint people. It hurts when even those I do not know seem to disapprove. It's the way I am and I'm trusting God to show me how to handle each little trial in a better way. I don't want to defend myself anymore. I just want to forgive... be forgiven & hopefully react in love.

Today I received an anonymous comment on my weapons blog. This person carefully worded lots of accusations surrounding my treatment of the person I loved most... someone I loved more than anything in this world. This anonymous commenter leveled a lot of cruel assumptions and angry word like "arrogant, controlling and manipulating". They went on and on and ended with some veiled, condescending comment about how they would be "praying for more revelation for me".

First, Mr./Mrs. Anonymous, I forgive you. I refuse to either defend myself or harbor resentment toward you. Frankly, this isn't the first cruel "message" I've received from someone in your neck of the woods. You don't have all the of facts. The facts were never any of your business anyway. I'm sorry that my writing has caused you to lash out at me anonymously. However, I will NEVER cast any blame on the person I love (who you only "think" you know) and I will not receive your cruel words, judgements or accusations. Also, please DO NOT pray for me. I'm very careful about who I allow to pray on my behalf because I do not need any more harassment from contrary spirits.

I'll be praying for you though... Just that you'll be blessed... Simply blessed... Beyond measure..

Also, from this point on. Anonymous comments will not be allowed.

2 Corinthians 2:7 (Amplified Bible)
So [instead of further rebuke, now] you should rather turn and [graciously] forgive and comfort and encourage [him], to keep him from being overwhelmed by excessive sorrow and despair.

Weapons - part two.

2010-07-17T22:29:00.001-05:00

Apparently, I have a whole lot of bad weapons to trade in for the real stuff. I notice them in action all the time in every aspect of my life now and confronting them is overwhelming. I only wanted to write about two weapons today. Last night was rough. And to be honest, ‘being honest’ is not comfortable for me which tells me first, I don’t do it enough and second, I care entirely too much about what you, reading this right now, think of me. I’ve done everything to avoid writing this post. I cleaned the fridge, vacuumed my car, my daughters car & the old guy’s car that parked behind me at the gas station. I brushed the cat that now hates me. I ran hill sprints in 95degree mid-day sun. I spent an hour at the pool scribbling sweaty notes about this post in my journal. Then finally, after 3 purple Gatorades, watching the rest of The Soloist (excellent movie) and painting my toenails, painting my toenails again (Joey messed up my polish)....

I am now finally ready to let go of two more of my most prized weapons.

It’s important to have a better understanding of the flesh, since these weapons originate there. Remember, I learned that the modern day concept of this is ego. The Bible says in Galatians 5:19-21 that the deeds of the flesh are evident and lists all the usual super fun sins like adultery. But in addition to those; idolizing, having enemies, strife, jealousy, outbursts of anger, disputes, dissentions, factions, envy etc… These are things I thought of as normal emotions and entitled to as a human being. Maybe so, but only if I want a lesser, defeated and miserable life. The good stuff comes two verses down in Galatians 5:22-26. The fruit of The Spirit (your renewed spirit in Christ) is love, joy, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness & self-control. Most of us know these verses but we just sort of pause, appreciate how lovely the concept is and never apply it to our lives.

We don’t believe we can actually possess these attributes and OWN them.

Modern psych has a lot to say about the relationship of the ego to the true self or consciousness (seriously hate this word). But as much as I hate the word ‘consciousness’ because of it’s hyper new age spooky usage today, it’s appropriate here. The Bible talks about people who are blind, asleep and without understanding as being ‘dead’ or ‘unconscious’ and it speaks of those who pursue truth and ‘light’ as ‘alive in Christ’. I love that all of these biblical concepts have been discovered by those who haven’t even been to seminary (sarcasm). Basically, these doctors of the mind say that your identity and thinking are conditioned by your past, upbringing, culture, and so on. Who we think we are now has been shaped by outside influences, parents and other people. But God uniquely created who we ACTUALLY are. The ego is self-seeking, defensive and desperately wants separation and significance. The ego will achieve these things at all costs. If we never realize the difference between our ‘conditioned man-made identity’ and our ‘God breathed true self’, we are basically helpless and are the emotional equivalent of cave men, forging our tools from rocks and sticks instead of living up to our true potential.

I should be happy to throw away these primitive weapons.

This doesn’t have to be such a struggle. Most of the time, being aware of your ego, or flesh, is enough to begin eliminating its control in your life. When you stop identifying with all of those crazy, negative emotions and recognize them from the seat of power of who you actually are in Christ, they lose their control over you. It really is this simple. With practice, awareness and increased wisdom (the word of God) those wonderful fruits of the Spirit in Galatians 5:22-26 will be real and active in your life. God would not give us this wisdom if it were impossible to obtain.

Old weapon #2 leverage:

Leverage is when you pretend to forgive someone but still bring up the past when they aren’t meeting your needs or you want to control their behavior somehow. This weapon is especially prevalent when two people are dependent on one another for identity. This is false forgiveness. Your victim is so grateful that you forgave them and chose to love them regardless of their mistakes that when you even hint at their past offense or a wound you still have because of their actions, they comply to your wishes just to ‘keep’ your acceptance. Dudes, this is classic, very effective weaponry and I’m sorry but we are ALL every good at it. Another word for this is ‘keeping score’.

You cannot love someone who you need leverage against. It’s impossible.

New weapon #2 grace:

Grace = divine favor toward man; the mercy of God, as distinguished from His justice; also, any benefits His mercy imparts; divine love or pardon; a state of acceptance with God; enjoyment of the divine favor. [1913 Webster] The exercise of love, kindness, mercy, favor; disposition to benefit or serve another; favor bestowed or privilege conferred. [1913 Webster] Inherent excellence; any endowment or characteristic fitted to win favor or confer pleasure or benefit. Where sin abounded, grace did much more abound. --Rom.5 v. 20. [1913 Webster]

I think the definition of Grace is enough here… but let me just say that you will never be closer to the heart of God than when you extend grace and unmerited favor to someone in your life. This is definitely going to come up again and again. Besides, face it. You are (I am) a jerk and need more of this grace than anyone I know.

Old weapon #3 withholding:

You got it. Punishing someone by withholding affection, acceptance and love is just another form of manipulation. If someone disappoints us, withholding is one of the first and most natural weapons in use. Could anything be more conditional? We even do this to our children. If you take a close look at this weapon, you’ll see it’s one of the cruelest of all.

New weapon #3 sacrifice:

Try this: when you’re angry or frustrated with someone, be the first to give, be the first to apologize, be the first to reach out. And watch your heart melt and soften. Watch the person who wronged you transform before your eyes. The strife will vanish. The anger will fade.

You will not be diminished by sacrifice; you will be increased beyond measure.

Weapons - part one.

2010-07-16T20:31:00.003-05:00

Sometimes it’s funny what makes an impression on me. Certain moments in time are frozen in my mind or replayed over and over again, not in a tormenting way, but rather like a mystery to be solved. Sometimes these mysteries are painful but as soon as I find the wisdom in them, the pain vanishes and I am forever changed.

One of the most powerful moments I’ve been puzzling over for months is an angry fight with someone I love. I was suddenly very keenly aware of the shift in the atmosphere. We had wounded one another and we had become enemies. We had picked up weapons and this was not love anymore, it was war. I think I even spoke this thought out loud at the time but then lodged another perfectly worded dagger at his heart. As I replay this moment of turning our weapons on each other, I realize that as time passed, with each small battle, we clung to whatever wrong had been done, forged more ammunition and attacked again and again. Our arsenal only grew more deadly and massive to the point that we were not engaged in friendship, but in battle, with the purpose of crushing our enemy, crushing each other.

As we struggled to negotiate peace between us, nothing worked. We had been looking to each other for healing that only God could bring. More importantly, neither of us would lay down our weapons. It’s surreal to look back on certain moments and know that even at the time, I was so very aware of the defenses and counter attacks I held in my mouth and in my heart. I could see them. I even wanted to let them go but I knew in the depths of my being, I needed protection. I needed weapons. I was, in fact, waging a very real and deadly war. What I did not realize then, that I can see so clearly now is this…

There is an enemy and it is not another person. It is never another person.

I do need weapons. New ones…

2 Corinthians 10:3-5

“For though we walk (live) in the flesh, we are not carrying on our warfare according to the flesh and using mere human weapons. For the weapons of our warfare are not physical [weapons of flesh and blood], but they are mighty before God for the overthrow and destruction of strongholds, [Inasmuch as we] refute arguments and theories and reasonings and every proud and lofty thing that sets itself up against the [true] knowledge of God; and we lead every thought and purpose away captive into the obedience of Christ (the Messiah, the Anointed One)”

Everyone who has ever been to Sunday school knows these famous verses. We are all taught about how we have to crucify the flesh. Romans chapter 8 has always been one of my favorite chapters in the Bible. My favorite, yet most difficult to understand verse is Romans 8:6 “for the mind set on the flesh is death, but the mind set on the Spirit is life and peace” This chapter goes on in detail about the flesh and the spirit… saying that the fleshly (carnal) mind is hostile toward God, that those of us who are ‘in the flesh’ can NOT please God. I’ve had this stuff memorized since I was a kid and have been trying to comprehend the meaning of it and do it my whole life… struggling by sheer will to crucify the flesh and be ‘in the spirit’. Frankly, it sucks.

I lack understanding.

Proverbs 13:15 “Good understanding wins favor, but the way of the unfaithful is hard.” Indeed….

So… James 1:5 “if any of you lacks wisdom (understanding), he should ask of God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.”

Now, here is where things get a little frustrating for me because God loves to make me do the footwork and I’m the worlds biggest geek, sitting in the middle of my bed with my granny glasses on for hours during the night reading books about the one word God told me to research. Ego. Hmm… I now know a whole lot of psycho-bull about the ego and I even had to plow through a bunch of new age jargon that grates against my very core to finally understand what God wanted me to see…

I am an egomaniac.

The modern psych definition of the Ego is biblically the Flesh… and the modern ‘new age’ definition of the Spirit is ‘consciousness’. This actually makes me sick. Why? Because we (religious people) have to make things so dadgum hard and the enemy has a heyday here, because since we cannot understand and are (at least I am) too proud to ask God for wisdom and seek Him, we never get it. We (me) stay stuck in the mud of King James mystery. Basically, all that I identify with in this world, all of my thoughts, emotions, needs, wounds, pride, offenses and 'rights'… are simply ego which doesn’t know right from wrong, it’s only purpose is to fight for significance and control it’s surroundings. The flesh is in constant competition with others for control and power. But the Ego is not who we are… We are the ‘silent observer’ who watches the actions of our ego and wonders (to herself while picking up weapons) “what the hell am I doing? Why am I hurting this person I love?” This “witness” inside of us is our true self. If you stop for a moment and be still, you will see and feel the true YOU. And even though it took a butt load of psych books and modern new age jargon for me to finally just barely begin to get the picture, I am and will keep asking for wisdom. I do not want to ever again be completely lost in the actions of my selfish nature.

The flesh (ego) is either running the show, or your born again, washed in the blood spirit is… not both. You are not definable… especially not by your sins, actions, emotions and horribly bad decisions… you are an eternal being who, through Jesus, has access to the throne of God. You (I) have everything we need to wage this war. We just have to pick up the right weapons. We have to know our enemy. Often times the enemy is in the mirror.

So, for my next few posts… I’ll be trading in my fleshly weapons of warfare for the truly powerful ones of my birthright. I’ll write it here… and try, with God’s help, to live it and be it and grow and let you watch… because (insert something awesome) … I have no clue why. I just will.

Old weapon #1: Blame:

Yes… this one is an endless (believe me) game of ‘who did what”. Lay it down. Now. Fast. Before you turn yourself into an ass that can’t even repeat a conversation that happened 5 minutes ago without inserting elaborate falsehoods… you will transform yourself into a pig if you do this. Stop it. And stop it now. Trade this weapon for:

New weapon #1: Responsibility:

Look in the mirror. Admit that you didn’t just ‘make a mistake’ but willfully and purposely left the road and went four wheeling straight into hell. Cowgirl up! Let God have it for crying out loud! Don’t point the finger at anyone but yourself. And in doing this know… “THEREFORE, [there is] now no condemnation (no adjudging guilty of wrong) for those who are in Christ Jesus, who live [and] walk not after the dictates of the flesh, but after the dictates of the Spirit. For the law of the Spirit of life [which is] in Christ Jesus [the law of our new being] has freed me from the law of sin and of death.”

Then, set yourself free… in this you will find great power, because YOU are the only one that you EVER have a right to control.

Shewww... that was a really hard one…

Until tomorrow… J

Out there...

2010-07-06T19:50:00.000-05:00

As I begin to write again, I find myself much more hungry for wisdom and I've devoured everything I can get my hands on lately. So... my blog posts are slow in coming but I thought I'd share with you one of my favorite treasures. I found this poem a few years ago and recently rediscovered it with much greater delight than the first time.

I hope it makes your heart smile as it did mine. :-)

Out there

you'll see it all.

The floating ends

will meet and mend,

and you will be yourself;

your fully-formed,

though always changing,

self of selves.

Every clumsy backward look

will pay for itself.

Every tear you've cried,

or wanted to cry,

will set your broken bones.

The rips in your heart

will no longer

need to be guarded

by steel girders,

banyan trees,

or even rice paper.

Not so much as a

dragonfly's wing

will you need

to cover the bludgeoned place,

to protect the private you

you love so much

and hope to save intact

from what has seemed years

of relentless pummeling.

Go and live and love

in peace, my friend,

for surely there is love

to enfold you,

and life to be feasted upon:

your portion is boundless.

Love will be the more

you've wanted.

You will know it

when you see it.

piglet

2010-04-28T18:14:00.010-05:00

It’s a good thing my last post was titled “Fail” because that’s exactly what I did. Upholding my rules didn’t even last 2 days and not only did I not uphold them but violated them epically. The fact that I even used the word epic to describe my failure is telling because I think that word is overused and I purposely avoid it. But epic, with all of its implied dramatic affects, is the best word in every way to describe the vastness of my failure. I suppose everyone has to be good at something and I have overachieved in breaking my own rules, all 5 of them. Epic Fail.

I probably shouldn’t even be allowed to blog after such a failure. I’ll start writing something I think is great, then stop when I realize that I’m not being real (not being real = fake). There is nothing I hate more than reading some brilliantly written inspirational post and then realize that the author was trying to sound spiritual and impress people with some deep insight they didn’t actually have the courage, will or desire to put into practice themselves. I especially hate it when I am that author. The first red flag that I might be writing something that isn’t real in my life is admiration of my own work. If my own writing makes me feel special, smart or extra enlightened, it’s time for a heart check.

And I am checking my heart. This is easier said than done lately because I spend a lot of time in confusion. My life is basically upside-down right now and I’ve experienced a loss of some kind every single day for weeks now. Whether it’s the death of family or friend, a job, the actual severing of relationships or the fact that I really miss the trails I used to run in Tennessee, there has been so much loss. This can be nothing other than an extreme pruning. To make matters worse, my pride has been completely dismantled. This does not feel good. I did not know my pride was so big. I’ve found my old tools of gratitude, writing, prayer and giving love to friends and family make little impact on the grief and fear. These two things roll in like an evening fog and envelope me each night.

Yet, God’s gentle and unmistakable voice has been my greater companion. He chooses to allow me to struggle. I’ve use the word struggle quite a bit in my emails and blogs lately. And it is this word that makes me feel an uncomfortable tugging in my soul. I’ve also been hearing two constant words in my heart, over and over again for weeks now… maybe months. Be Still. These two words are always there, a constant humming…. beee sssstill. And I ignore them. I dismiss them instantly. I don’t do “still”. Anyone who knows me knows that even when I’m sleeping, I’m rarely still. I’m thinking and churning and … struggling. These words do not get louder. They remain quietly always there. However the struggle part gets more violent and uncomfortable. I’ve lashed out at everyone who provokes me. I’ve become so protective and easily ruffled that people are treating me gently. This is even more annoying to me than people who try to provoke me. You can imagine the turmoil.

This morning brought another loss and with it more tears. After I finished struggling with this, I went for my run. I run in the country next to some farmland where there is no traffic. This is where I can do sprints and no one is watching me (because I think I look ridiculous doing sprints). I enjoy the peace and safety of the country and running has always been a trusted friend. But I felt such an unrest in my heart that I was knee-grabbing breathless after every round of sprints. I’d stop, bend over and stare at my feet while gasping for air.

After a few rounds of punishing myself, I decided to walk. It was then that I heard the most horrible squeals and cries coming from the fencerow. I looked and saw a man stooped over the fencing struggling to free something. I moved closer and the something turned out to be a piglet. This little pig was completely entangled in the fencing. The farmer was trying to free the piglet but the more the little guy struggled, the more entangle he became. Behind the man, were two more little pink pigs running around in a chorus of crazy pig panic. I laughed. Hard. Right out loud and the farmer looked up at me and chuckled. He could see how ridiculous this was. He kept talking to the piglet “I’ve got you… stop struggling” over and over again he said this and pulled some wire cutters out of his back pocket and began to cut fencing.

Then I heard that unmistakable voice deep inside:

You are the pig.

I’m a pig? Thanks abunch Lord.

No child. You are this pig.

Oh. (I think I rolled my eyes)

I am now intently trying to understand this… I kept watching. Listening to the farmer gently try to calm this pig. “be still” he said. “I’ve got you”

Be still. I’ve got you...

Lord, I don’t want to be this pig!

Stop struggling child... you are becoming more entangled.

I’m setting you free. taking down the fences.

I finally shut up… and just soaked this in, watching the farmer cut the piglet free and release him to his siblings. He tipped his ball cap at me. Spit his chew and walked away.

I stood there for a few moments… just staring at the new hole in that fence. I realized that I had not heard the piglet as I ran my sprints back and forth past where he was entangled. He was not making a sound. The piglet had been stuck long enough that he’d become either comfortable with his situation or exhausted from trying to break free. Either way, his struggling and squealing made his rescue dangerous and if not for the gentle patience of his master, he could have been seriously injured. That little pig was in agony in his struggle.

And so was I.

I am that pig.

As I turned and walked back to my car with the sting of sweat on my face, God said nothing more… but I felt it… a broad smile. His smile. It warmed me from someplace deep inside.

You’ve got me. I whispered to Him.

Psalm 118:4-6 (New International Version)

4 Let those who fear the LORD say:

"His love endures forever."

5 In my anguish I cried to the LORD,

and he answered by setting me free.

6 The LORD is with me; I will not be afraid.

What can man do to me?

Psalm 46

1 God is our refuge and strength,

always ready to help in times of trouble.

2 So we will not fear when earthquakes come

and the mountains crumble into the sea.

3 Let the oceans roar and foam.

Let the mountains tremble as the waters surge!

Interlude

4 A river brings joy to the city of our God,

the sacred home of the Most High.

5 God dwells in that city; it cannot be destroyed.

From the very break of day, God will protect it.

6 The nations are in chaos,

and their kingdoms crumble!

God’s voice thunders,

and the earth melts!

7 The Lord of Heaven’s Armies is here among us;

the God of Israel[b] is our fortress.

Interlude

8 Come, see the glorious works of the Lord:

See how he brings destruction upon the world.

9 He causes wars to end throughout the earth.

He breaks the bow and snaps the spear;

he burns the shields with fire.

10 “Be still, and know that I am God!

I will be honored by every nation.

I will be honored throughout the world.”

11 The Lord of Heaven’s Armies is here among us;

the God of Israel is our fortress.

Fail...

2010-04-22T00:21:00.008-05:00

My last three posts, Words, Joy, and Saved by Love are results of my struggles to surrender to what is right. To say that my life has been a challenge in the past few months is an understatement. The details really are not important because I don’t think I’m unique. We all have to go through something. We all fall and pick ourselves up. We are all misunderstood and injured and have to heal from wounds. None of us are immune to the storms. Some of us are better at getting into trouble than others. Some of us run as fast as possible into mischief. Some of us can’t keep our mouths shut or behave no matter how hard we try. I am definitely ‘some of us’. I am exceptionally good at screwing things up.

Yesterday was a huge test for me. It seems that each time I discover a new truth or find some peace or joy, someone or something comes along to remind me that I don’t deserve any peace or joy. Yesterday was a double whammy. I pretty much failed the test. I did the opposite of everything I’ve wanted to do. I attacked someone right back in anger. Not once… but twice. Then gave a pathetic apology. The problem had spread like that pink junk in Cat in the Hat and it was impossible to contain. I had no idea who was forwarding emails to whom and the paranoia was overwhelming. At this point… I just sort of shut it all down and went to bed… in tears. This morning when I woke up I reviewed the carnage, rereading the emails that flew back and forth. I was overwhelmed with sadness. It was bad enough that people from who I had desperately wanted acceptance & forgiveness had rejected and judged me… yet again. But what broke my heart was my complete lack of control. I did the exact opposite of everything I wanted to do. I failed… totally failed.

So today I’m searching for new tools. I’m sure tomorrow or the next day I’ll be presented with another test and knowing the right thing to do and actually doing that right thing seems to be a problem for me. So I’ve come up with a few new rules for myself.

Rule number 1: The 48 hour rule. When someone does, writes, or says anything that causes an emotional response whether it’s anger, defensiveness, guilt or general pain, wait 48 hours to respond. This rule will be applied to my life without exception. Responding immediately is not wise for me. I’m a complete cluster bomb when it comes to email, text, facebook, twitter etc… I am incredibly good at knowing exactly how to lash back and my words hit their target almost without exception. Being a sniper is only acceptable and okay if you’re in a war, trained and getting paid with benefits to take out the enemy. But if you’re sniping another flesh and blood person who probably was just expressing pain that you caused in the first place, you had better cool your jets. The 48 Hour Rule is now in place. These 48 hours will be used to cool off, try to gain empathy & understanding for the person who lashed out at me, pray… and then… if I have something good and constructive to say, I’ll say it. Sometimes, just the response “I hear you” or “I understand” is all they need. If you can’t respond that way honestly, from your heart, don’t respond, but do deal with your own heart.

Rule number 2: Stop using the word ‘drama’. This word is a cop out for people who are just annoyed, offended or frankly don’t want to cope with any sort of conflict. I used this word yesterday about 14 times. I am still pondering whether I used it correctly. I think I might need to define it first. First, lets sort out what drama is NOT. Drama is not conflict. We need conflict. It is not two people trying to resolve something no matter how uncomfortable that ‘something’ may be. Just because you are not comfortable with conflict or feel wronged does not mean you are being inflicted with “drama”.

If disagreements, grievances and the clash of normal human emotions are dismissed for fear of it being called ‘drama’, we’ll never resolve anything.

One of my pet peeves is an unresolved issue. I’m the kind of person who, when I see an elephant in the room, I want to introduce it. This gets me into lots of trouble. I don’t want to bring ‘drama’. I want to be real. It’s okay with me if someone is angry with me. I’d love to hear about it (actually from the person whom I’ve hurt) and have the chance to make it right. The desire of my heart is to MAKE IT RIGHT! What is NOT okay is harboring secret grudges or secretly confiding in people who are not involved to alleviate your pain.

I think the only real way to alleviate the pain is be who you are, right or wrong and if you’re wrong, try to make it right. If you’re right… wait a minute… it’ll be your turn to be wrong soon enough.

So what IS drama? Drama is forwarding emails around, gossiping, fighting unfairly, dragging other people into a conflict who don’t need to be dragged in, over emotionalizing & complicating problems, passing judgment and more importantly, allowing the situation to hurt innocent bystanders. THIS is drama. I probably used the word correctly one out of the fifteen times yesterday… ohhhh… drama.

Rule number 3: Return to what you know for sure. For me, this was a re-visitation of the things I’ve talked about in my previous blogs. If my words are not kind, true or necessary, don’t say them (or write them), don’t hold onto wounds, act in Love ect… I honestly do write mostly for me. I honestly want to LIVE out what I feel is good and right. But how do I keep from failing when I’m tested? I’m sure I’ll fail again but I also believe there are two kinds of mistakes; worthless ones you repeat again and again (making excuses for), and mistakes that force change and progress. The people who experience true success in love and life are the ones who learn from their mistakes and feel the pain of those they have wounded, and people who aren’t afraid to admit when they are wrong. And I was so very wrong.

Rule number 4: Love your enemies. This is an awesome concept and it also totally sucks. It’s biblical. It’s at the core of almost every confusing relationship you can have. But what does this mean?

I recently had an experience that has shaken me to my core. A few years ago, I had a major conflict with a senior family member. I’ll call him Uncle Bob. Uncle Bob is a successful and powerful man in the community and I’m very close to his daughter. He is also blunt, much like me, and he doesn’t waste his words, also like me. I can’t remember what started the rift but one day we had a blow out and out of pride and pain I lashed out at him and decided that he wasn’t going to be in my life anymore. For 3 years, I had nothing to do with “Uncle Bob”. He has lots of friends. When he throws a party, 1000 people show up (except for me and my stinky attitude) and he’s celebrated everywhere he goes. Uncle Bob didn’t need me in his life (his life is full) and I harbored such resentment toward him that I literally wouldn’t speak to him for 3 years.

But then, about a month ago, his daughter, whom I’m very close with, took me to his office to fax something, Uncle Bob was out of town and we used her key to get in and helped ourselves to his fax machine and stole a couple cigars J As I sat at his beautiful antique mahogany desk, I looked around and saw, under the glass right in his line of site, a photo of me, and around the photo, circling it, were words of blessings… words like, Peace, open doors, protect, secure, healed, relaxed… etc. This man was the recipient of a lot of bitterness from me over those years… and yet the entire time, he had, right in his sight… my photo, surrounded by blessings and he was praying for me and loving me the whole time. And THIS is who I want to be.

Sometimes it’s hard to tell who is a friend and who is an enemy. I’ve had my fill of people who claim to care about me but get offended by the slightest slip of words I make or easily delete me from their life. Some people who say they love you… DON’T. Yet, some people who you think are not on your side, love you… this love is not anything they need credit for, they just love you… sending up prayers and blessings and wishing all the good life has to offer. Yes, sorting out who is an enemy and who isn’t is not easy. But fortunately, this is not your job. Which leads me to rule number 5.

Rule number 5: Don’t count your enemies. Don’t count your friends. Don’t worry about who loves you and who judges you. This is not your job. Your job is to focus on how YOU love… YOU get busy, obsessed and consumed with how YOU love… enemies or friends… and your life will suddenly become full of joy and free up a whole lot of extra time to learn to dance, practice yoga or take a peaceful nap. You are not responsible for how people love you. You should be only concerned with how YOU love people. What a relief.

What I did today: I contacted “Uncle Bob” and told him how his love impacted me and listened to his wisdom. I submitted to him. I contacted other people whom I’ve wounded and asked for forgiveness. And… I bought a leather journal and in it are 12 photos of people (many from last night) who have counted me as an enemy or someone not worth their love and acceptance… and around these photos, following Uncle Bob’s example, I’ve listed countless blessing I wish for them… this journal will be carried with me everywhere I go and I will not cease to bless them and offer up prayers on their behalf. I think my journal will be full soon and I’ll need another and another… but this is my healing and this is my goal… to love… and to keep learning to love more each day.

What do I need from you who are reading this? Pray that I can hold my tongue and control myself. This is so hard for me. I’m such a fragile combination of someone who wants to kick butt and someone who wants to find peace and avoid bitterness.

I’m a mess… guess I’m okay with that.. J

Saved by love...

2010-04-19T14:35:00.003-05:00

Saved by Love…

There really only is one way out of the darkness & pain in this life. There is only one answer to every problem. There is only one reaction to mistakes, judgment, harsh words, lies and anger that will end suffering and bring healing… Love. And as I’ve recently discovered, there is only way to fight fear… Faith in Love.

I do not always feel love when I’m under assault by all that is unfair about life. Whether I’m dealing with selfish people who drain my energy or the cruel and angry ones who just can’t see value in people, I’m constantly struggling to keep from smacking the snot out of someone. It’s almost impossible to conjure up feelings of love when you’re in the moment. That is when love isn’t a feeling, it’s something you DO whether you feel like it or not. Love is a response and an attitude you have to choose… daily… sometimes, even hourly or each minute when the onslaught of ugliness is overwhelming.

Why should we choose to act in love during these times? Because the alternative is death; death of your own heart, soul and eventually your body. It’s been medically proven that nothing fills the body with more acid, toxins and free radicals more than holding on to emotionally negative energy such as anger, hate, bitterness and resentment. It’s not always easy to forgive & respond kindly to people in hard situations.

Love is worth the discipline. It’s worth the work. It will save you..

Yes, the way you respond to people who don’t deserve kindness can be life changing for them. But you will reap the biggest reward. Because love is like a fountain of life that springs from your heart and it comes from God himself. Nothing is more powerful than this… not even hate and rage. The flow of love can change everything and keep you young. If you allow the trash of constantly being offended by people around you to clog this fountain of life, death moves in. You’ll feel it when you drive and someone cuts you off… small doses of rage appear. You’ll dwell on it when you’re alone, rehearsing the tongue lashing someone who disrespected you deserves. You’ll feel that churning of negative energy deep inside and it will grow. You’ll snap at your kids. Act defensively, lying will become easier, gossip will be okay, tearing down a friend to another will start to feel like good therapy. You’ll need to vent to people just to medicate the toxins you feel. Then, one day, you’ll look in the mirror and no longer see the sparkle in your eyes, you’ll begin to look on the outside the way you do on the inside, old, ugly, and hateful. No amount of makeup can cover this up. My grandma first taught me this principal. This was her beauty secret. She said, “Life has a way of turning you inside out Jaynee… better make sure the inside is lovelier than the outside and as you age, you’ll astound those who see you.” I listened to her. She was so right… I’m officially mostly inside out now. And it’s a delicate mixture of love and a bunch of other stuff I don’t need. I still have some forgiving to do.

The great part is that God is happy to give you a brand new heart… to clean out the crap if you let Him. In fact, it’s His favorite thing to do. He IS Love… and He is almighty. Why would we settle for anything less than huge doses of what He is? Why would we choose the temporary fix of hurting someone with our words when Love can save us?

I’m writing to myself here. Mostly learning how to allow God to transform me into someone He can use ALL of the time, not just when I feel like it. If we are God’s hands, feet and body in this world, we have no choice but to choose to love. It’s what He does. It’s why we’re here.

You never know who is waiting for your love. I’ve had moments of despair so strong I thought of taking my life. I’m the last person anyone would guess to ever have such thoughts. But no one is immune. There is only so much pain a person can take before they start going squirrelly and stop thinking right. But it was the love of one or two people who would not let me go, give up and never stopped loving & believing in me that shook some sense into me. These people were being used by God to save me and set me right. So, in a very real sense…

I truly have been saved by love.

Romans 8: 37 in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. 38 For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, 39 nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Psalm 109:

21-25 Oh, God, my Lord, step in; work a miracle for me—you can do it! Get me out of here—your love is so great!— I'm at the end of my rope, my life in ruins. I'm fading away to nothing, passing away, my youth gone, old before my time. I'm weak from hunger and can hardly stand up, my body a rack of skin and bones.I'm a joke in poor taste to those who see me; they take one look and shake their heads. 26-29 Help me, oh help me, God, my God, save me through your wonderful love; Then they'll know that your hand is in this, that you, God, have been at work. Let them curse all they want; you do the blessing.

Zephaniah 3:17 The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing."

Ephesians 3: 18may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, 19 and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.20 Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us,

Matthew 5:43-48 (The Message)43-47 "You're familiar with the old written law, 'Love your friend,' and its unwritten companion, 'Hate your enemy.' I'm challenging that. I'm telling you to love your enemies. Let them bring out the best in you, not the worst. When someone gives you a hard time, respond with the energies of prayer, for then you are working out of your true selves, your God-created selves. This is what God does. He gives his best—the sun to warm and the rain to nourish—to everyone, regardless: the good and bad, the nice and nasty. If all you do is love the lovable, do you expect a bonus? Anybody can do that. If you simply say hello to those who greet you, do you expect a medal? Any run-of-the-mill sinner does that.48"In a word, what I'm saying is, Grow up. You're kingdom subjects. Now live like it. Live out your God-created identity. Live generously and graciously toward others, the way God lives toward you."

1^st John 3:

11 From the beginning you were told that we must love each other. 13 My friends, don't be surprised if the people of this world hate you. 14 Our love for each other proves that we have gone from death to life. But if you don't love each other, you are still under the power of death. 15 If you hate each other, you are murderers, and we know that murderers do not have eternal life. 16 We know what love is because Jesus gave his life for us. That's why we must give our lives for each other. 17 If we have all we need and see one of our own people in need, we must have pity on that person, or else we cannot say we love God. 18 Children, you show love for others by truly helping them, and not merely by talking about it.

19 When we love others, we know that we belong to the truth, and we feel at ease in the presence of God. 20 But even if we don't feel at ease, God is greater than our feelings, and he knows everything. 21 Dear friends, if we feel at ease in the presence of God, we will have the courage to come near him. 22 He will give us whatever we ask, because we obey him and do what pleases him.

joy...

2010-04-14T09:47:00.004-05:00

Last night was a rough one. My son, Ben, the cotton headed joy of everyone’s life, has been home sick from school for two days. Although he has sinus issues there seemed to be something else going on. Ben has always been happy no matter what the circumstances. He’s unselfish and giving… usually the one to notice when other kids at school need a friend. He is sensitive to people and when they feel blue, shows up with his usual words of love, pointing out the bright side. Ben is full of faith and is always ready to drop whatever he is doing and pray for people, whether it’s a headache or just a sick dog, he believes his prayers are powerful and that God hears him. Ben is our joy. His sister and I look to him for sunshine when we need to laugh. But lately, there has been a cloud of worry and gloominess weighing on him. It’s easy to understand this because he’s going through a lot. His favorite person, his aunt Candy is dying of cancer. He just said goodbye to our oldest dog. He’s 12 and changing and that’s overwhelming all on it’s own. His friends are becoming less innocent and he does not understand this. Yes, Ben has a lot going on. For the first time in his young life, I can see a battle for his thoughts.

Coincidentally, I’m waging the very same war. I’ve had trusted friends speak death and discouragement into my life. Just last night, I felt the sting of shame filled words. I’ve felt betrayed and alone. These offenses and heartaches are easy to dwell upon and keep. It’s almost human nature to wallow in pity as if the pain and trauma in itself brings us significance and comfort. But the truth is, staying hurt gives us an excuse not to do the work to overcome or stretch and grow. If we are not careful, hanging onto wounds gives us permission to hurt others. Hurting people, hurt people. This is the trap of being a victim. Choosing to be a victim will steal your hope, power and future. And it makes you a life-sucker.

But pain can also reveal treasures and take us past our own limitations and set us to flight. It’s our choice. We can NOT allow our minds to be a safe harbor for unhealthy thoughts. Last night, as I listened to my angry and heartbroken son lash out and pour out his pain. The word of God rose up in me for him… it’s a mother’s job to minister. If you are a mother, you are automatically called to be a healer, teacher, intercessor, warrior and minister. You are equipped with these gifts already… and it is your responsibility to fill your heart with the tools to accomplish these things. I’m so grateful that I had enough of God’s word deposited in me (even though I had been slack in making those deposits lately) to wash the child in healing words. I’ll list the scriptures we used at the bottom. But basically, we decided that the JOY of the Lord is going to be our strength right NOW. We are standing on Philippians 4:5-7. We are actively DOING the word. So, our plan was for the three of us (me, Tori, and Ben) to pray over it all every single day and give the burdens away. We would take turns speaking blessing over each other. And most importantly, we would not allow our feet to touch the ground in the morning before listing all that we can think of for which to be grateful. Ben was to list at least 12 (for his 12 years) Tori and I both promised to do the same and we would also recommit to writing these grateful things down.

So, at 6:30 this morning, I climbed into bed next to Ben to scratch his back and wake him. And as he roused, without prompting, he began to pour forth gratitude… he listed more than 12, he listed countless blessings and as the room began to fill with morning light... joy came. My cotton-headed boy literally skipped up the hill to catch the bus.

And through watching my child be transformed by the power of doing The Word and the power of joy, I’ve found a new resolve to lavishly experience gratitude & joy. To love with an extravagant and unmovable love; to forgive without restraint or expectation and to leave the wounds where they belong, with The Healer. I will not pick them up again… they are no longer mine to keep. God’s words are life to my bones. HE is the lifter of my head and His joy is my strength.

Nehemiah 8: 9,10Do not mourn or weep." For all the people had been weeping as they listened to the words of the Law. 10 Nehemiah said, "Go and enjoy choice food and sweet drinks, and send some to those who have nothing prepared. This day is sacred to our Lord. Do not grieve, for the joy of the LORD is your strength."

Psalm 19:7-9 (New Living Translation)7 The instructions of the Lord are perfect, reviving the soul. The decrees of the Lord are trustworthy, making wise the simple.  8 The commandments of the Lord are right, bringing joy to the heart. The commands of the Lord are clear, giving insight for living. 9 Reverence for the Lord is pure, lasting forever. The laws of the Lord are true; each one is fair.

Psalm 28:6-8 (New Living Translation) 6 Praise the Lord! For he has heard my cry for mercy.  7 The Lord is my strength and shield. I trust him with all my heart. He helps me, and my heart is filled with joy.I burst out in songs of thanksgiving.8 The Lord gives his people strength. He is a safe fortress for his anointed king.

Psalm 100:4-5 (New International Version)

4 Enter his gates with thanksgiving and his courts with praise; give thanks to him and praise his name. 5 For the LORD is good and his love endures forever; his faithfulness continues through all generations.

Philippians 4:5-7 (New International Version)5Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. 6Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God7And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

words..

2010-04-12T09:41:00.001-05:00

I once heard my grandpa say that “opinions are like noses; everyone has one and most aren’t very pretty.” As a kid, I didn’t really understand that but now I totally get what Grandpa meant. I’m a very opinionated person who sometimes even enjoys aggravating people who don’t agree with me (shocking, I know). That’s not a very “pretty” attribute to possess and I’m always checking my motives for speaking my mind. Today’s culture would have caused my grandpa to shake his head in disbelief. I can hear him now… “Blogs are like noses; everyone has one and most are just downright ugly.”

Grandpa also said something else that my dad repeated to me and I repeat to my kids. “If what you are about to say is not ALL three of these things, kind, true & necessary, don’t say it.” I’m dwelling on this particular nugget of wisdom a lot lately. For some reason, the temptation to ‘rip someone (anyone) a new one’ is strong nowadays. And how can I expect my kids to listen to my words if my actions speak the opposite? In fact, two days ago, I literally typed these words on my notepad, took a screenshot of it, and made it my iphone wallpaper “If it’s not kind, true & necessary, SHUT THE HELL UP!” yes… I have to get THAT strong with myself and yes… it has been very quiet around here lately.

James 3 (message paraphrase)

When You Open Your Mouth

1-2Don't be in any rush to become a teacher, my friends. Teaching is highly responsible work. Teachers are held to the strictest standards. And none of us is perfectly qualified. We get it wrong nearly every time we open our mouths. If you could find someone whose speech was perfectly true, you'd have a perfect person, in perfect control of life.

3-5A bit in the mouth of a horse controls the whole horse. A small rudder on a huge ship in the hands of a skilled captain sets a course in the face of the strongest winds. A word out of your mouth may seem of no account, but it can accomplish nearly anything—or destroy it!

5-6It only takes a spark, remember, to set off a forest fire. A careless or wrongly placed word out of your mouth can do that. By our speech we can ruin the world, turn harmony to chaos, throw mud on a reputation, send the whole world up in smoke and go up in smoke with it, smoke right from the pit of hell.

7-10This is scary: You can tame a tiger, but you can't tame a tongue—it's never been done. The tongue runs wild, a wanton killer. With our tongues we bless God our Father; with the same tongues we curse the very men and women he made in his image. Curses and blessings out of the same mouth!

10-12My friends, this can't go on. A spring doesn't gush fresh water one day and brackish the next, does it? Apple trees don't bear strawberries, do they? Raspberry bushes don't bear apples, do they? You're not going to dip into a polluted mud hole and get a cup of clear, cool water, are you?

love...

2010-04-07T00:24:00.003-05:00

no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I'm bankrupt without love.

Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn't want what it doesn't have.
Love doesn't strut,
Doesn't have a swelled head,
Doesn't force itself on others,
Isn't always "me first,"
Doesn't fly off the handle,
Doesn't keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn't revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.

1st Corinthians 13:7 from: the message..

The Lion

2010-04-04T23:52:00.011-05:00

So, this is really only my second day writing as a person who isn’t trying to impress you or shape your opinion of me or really be what you want me to be so I’m somewhat at a loss for words because, quite frankly, this is extremely weird. Being honest without trying to be something someone needs is not comfortable nor is it fun especially if you’re as broken as I am right now. I’d love to write some beautiful and inspiring essay about resurrection day.

But I can’t. My heart is broken and I’m dying and I’m seriously feeling so pathetically sorry for myself that no one and nothing, not even my mom’s famous lasagna recipe or cheesecake can help. I’m horribly devastated… I can’t begin to stress this enough. I’m too tired to draw you an analogy of how horrible I feel. Take my word for it.

She’s lost it… completely and totally lost. It. Yes. Indeed…. I am finally all out of me…

All out of me…. you seriously have NO idea how much I hate this correlation to death and resurrection. I promise, I did not orchestrate the demise of my whole world in time for this holiday. That would just be stupid.

But in all honesty, my whole world as I hoped for & worked for has ended and I’m now struggling to find a new identity and a place to put my love and passions. I feel like a ghost haunting this world without a resting place. *melodramatic music please*

So, in my sadness, I went to my Bible to research this happy holiday and I looked up the word ‘death’, of course because that is what I’m so interested in because I am so pathetic. I found very little to use that was interesting to me. Then, that inner dialogue I have with Him (you know who) spoke up and told me to look up the word ‘life’. Great. Thanks God. Now I have approximately 3400 verses at my disposal. See how this works guys? I’m talking WITH God about mySELF. He is surprisingly unmoved by my ignorant and thoroughly SELF absorbed thoughts. Also, He(God) brought to mind something I read in a book that was written by what we Baptists would call a "heathen", Elizabeth Gilbert in Eat, Pray, Love. Ohhh.. now I’m in super deep waters. They(the Baptists) are probably going to talk about me at the whatchamacallit convention that Baptists have where they vote on what’s cool with God and stuff. I’m totally going to H-E-doubletoothpicks now.

So basically, here is what I’m reminded of… to be exact. First from Matthew 6:21-24.. “for where your treasure is, there will your heart be also, the lamp of the body is the eye; (what we are focused upon) if therefore, your eye is clear (obsessed, focused upon and thinking about good) your whole body will be full of light. But if your eye is bad, your whole body will be full of darkness, If therefore the light that is in you is darkness, how great is the darkness? No one can serve two masters; for either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will hold on to one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and the world.”

Okay??? What does that have to do with life? Everything. I am not focusing on what I need to be focusing upon. Simple. Now what?

Elizabeth Gilbert wrote about her experience in seeking God (don’t bore me with baptist theology now, I’m very educated and will bury you) in yoga like meditation. And this is what came to her mind…

“I began feeling frustrated and judgmental about myself, lonely and angry. But then a fierce response boiled up from somewhere in the deepest caverns of my heart, and I told myself, “I will not judge you for these thoughts.” My mind tried to protest, said, “yeah, but you’re such a failure, you’re such a loser, you’ll never amount to anything… “ But Suddenly it was like a lion was roaring from within my chest, drowning all this claptrap out. A voice bellowed in me like nothing I had ever heard before. It was so internally, eternally loud that I actually clamped my hand over my mouth because I was afraid that if I opened my mouth and let this sound out, it would shake the foundations of the buildings as far away as Detroit.

And this is what it roared:

YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW STRONG MY LOVE IS!!!!!!!!!!!

The chattering, negative thoughts in my mind scattered in the wind of this statement like the birds and jackrabbits and antelopes – they hightailed it out of there, terrified. Silence followed. An intense, vibrating, awed silence. The lion in the giant savannah of my heart surveyed his newly quiet kingdom with satisfaction, he licked his great chops once, closed his yellow eyes and went back to sleep.

And then, in that regal silence, finally – I began to meditate on (and with) God.

I first heard this passage on my iphone while soaking in a hot bath about 3 weeks ago. I had been struggling. Really struggling with everything and feeling so completely lost. I had no idea that this ‘book on tape’ would speak to the very deepest wound in my being. YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW STRONG MY LOVE IS!!!! Written by a woman with whom I have literally nothing in common. I remember rewinding this passage about 6 times… I could see him… I could hear him… I could feel him. Yes… The Lion… YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW STRONG MY LOVE IS!!!!

I know this Lion… The Lion of the Tribe Of Judah.

I don’t know what tomorrow will hold. Honestly, I’ll probably cry at some point. I'll probably mess it up. Or I’ll do something awesome or think of something brilliant. Who knows? Doesn’t really matter. I’m not the focus anymore… There is a new King in town. and I HAVE NO IDEA HOW STRONG HIS LOVE IS!!

here we go...

2010-04-03T18:11:00.007-05:00

This blog is going to be my personal, gossip worthy, fodder for judgement, or if you're an enlightened human being, something that might encourage you on your journey and make you feel less alone in being the imperfect clusterfuck I like to call human frailty. My more professional blog will be on Word Press, just as soon as I remember my password and figure out how to navigate it. There, I will talk about health. On THAT blog, I'll post heath and diet info and also answer questions about how to stay young and active. You will be free to ask questions and I'll do whatever I can to help. This is my passion.

Here, on my original blog-home, I'll promise to be real and vulnerable. My life has been in chaos for about 5 years now and I've kept it a complete secret. I apologize in advance for any offense my writing may bring. I do not mean to offend. I love people. you... the person reading this... at this very moment.. I love YOU. It is not my intention to offend, bring judgment or 'piss you off'. I'm a human being.. saved by grace. I occasionally drop the F-bomb (and always feel bad about it). I occasionally get all into myself and arrogant and all those things no one likes about people. I occasionally fall apart and beg for someone to pick me up and tell me I'm not the biggest failure on the planet. I'm complicated. yet... so simple. I love.. so very deeply and desperately. I love God and seek his presence in my life... and I wrestle with shame and sort through my many fuck-ups just like everyone else does. But here, I hope I can be honest about what I do, the mistakes I make and the great love that heals my soul. If you can trust me to be honest about what a loser I can be, maybe, just maybe, you can trust me to be honest about how amazing God's mercy and compassion is and how He alone can redeem, love and make something beautiful out of the devastation we tend to cause in our own lives, just because we will let him!! I'm living it now... I'm ready to share it all... if you comment.. please be honest, even brutal if you need to be. I promise, I can take it. After all the hell that I've been through, a little criticism and judgement can't hurt me and who knows. maybe your insight might help.. but rest assured, if you're judgmental or mean... you have nothing to fear... I'll love you. and I will not embarrass or harass you for not agreeing with me. This is safe place... for those who love me... and those who hate me. I promise.

love you all.... Dr. J.

Just Saying NO...

2010-02-03T10:56:00.005-06:00

So as you know I had my wisdom teeth out yesterday and I was really nervous when I saw the surgeon because he was a HUGE guy with GIANT hands and I have an itty bitty mouth and a history of jaw problems. I got even more nervous when he told me all the crap he was putting into my IV etc. But I trusted him and woke up a few minutes later and everything went well. All except for a perforated sinus on my upper right side which has caused (insert gross details here). So yesterday was a little rough, LOTS of pain, but I did the whole thing with NO drugs. The surgeon prescribed everything from narcotics to a round of steroids! WHAT?? Are you KIDDING ME??? Because after all, swelling and inflammation are not normal after surgery and it's a disease you can DIE from so you had better take some poison that will totally jack with your system just in case (in my best sarcastic voice) NO THANK YOU... I got by with ice(works better than steroids anyway) , salt rinse, some herbal pain remedies and a whole lot of melatonin so I could sleep.

I woke up this morning with little more than chubby cheeks, which the kids think are cute anyway, and not *too much* pain. I am probably even going to do a light workout today provided it doesn't cause (insert gross sinus details here)..

Let me just thank you Mr. Surgeon for removing those wisdom teeth, I couldn't do that myself because heck, I can barely floss way back there. So thank you for doing such a fine job at what you do. I'm in pretty good shape now. But NO THANK YOU to the prescriptions because contrary to what you might think, some of your patients can stand a little pain if it means not taking poison. I had teeth CUT OUT of my jaw bone! I EXPECTED pain and I can take it!! No one has ever died from a little post op pain. But PLENTY of people die from taking a doctor's prescriptions. Shall we interview Michael Jackson? oh yeah, we CAN'T.

I think my surgeon is a great guy... I'm even going to hug him. But this is just one more example of how arrogant the whole American medical system has to be to believe that THEY can heal the body better than the God-given power inside this exquisite machine we all walk around in every day. THEY are not God. A little swelling and pain never hurt anyone but THEIR drugs destroy the health of, and even kill, millions. Which is why this great country is WAY down on the list of healthy countries of the world, not even in the top 10.

Thanks..

2009-04-22T09:56:00.002-05:00

I noticed a pattern of ho hum days going on for my kiddo's.. Maybe it's springtime or maybe it's a habit of not being happy when every little thing doesn't go our way. But whatever the reason, Tori woke up not wanting to go to school yesterday and expressed a general feeling of 'dread'. She had a science test that day. I normally just prayed over and and cooed my usual 'it's going to be a great day' words of encouragement but yesterday I gave her homework. She was to make a gratitude list and think of 5 things every class period for which she was thankful. No cooing.. no coddling. Time for her to encourage herSELF. :-) At first I thought she wasn't going to take it seriously but sure enough.. she sent me the list and had a great day in spite of that horrible science test. And I received a new pretty awesome treasure. Here is her list...

Thanks
-mother :)
-joey
-ben
-dad
-grandparents
-my bed
-pillow
-school bus
-USA freedom
-Mexico
-Mexican food
-mitosis
-white shoes
-funny german words
-water
-vitamin C
-funny teachers
-restrooms
-spring going into summer
-fiber one bars
-iPhone
-texting
-bubble gum
-the end of the day bell
-bandaids
-neat colored bruses
-bordum
-the sooness of summer vacation
-the ability not to say everything I think
-last minute study time
-that the most amazing woman in the world just so happens to be my mom
-fake tanner
-how sarcasm is always amusing even if it's just funny to me
-my ability to ignore the stupidity of cute muscular guys
-zpacks and yogurt
-weekends
-really easy state given tests
-my little brother and his anoying friends
-chilly cheese dogs
-mc
-my safe neighborhood
-jokes
-funny jokes
-lists
-waffles
-contacts
-my mommas pillow
-orange juice
-my very great genetics
-Teachers that make fun of other kids
-toenail polish
-my family
-this list

Medical students don't want to be pharma bought.

2009-04-19T14:17:00.002-05:00

Kudos to these Harvard Medical School students!

Tori's favorite cookie

2009-03-17T15:12:00.003-05:00

No bake cookies!!!

My kids love these. I've improvised until my recipe is just what my family likes.. but you can add more peanut butter, use coconut etc. The original recipe I had included salt and margarine instead of butter. But I try never to use margarine and the salt just wasn't necessary. The trick is to a) boil the chocolate mixture the right amount of time and b) not add too much oatmeal. Add that 3rd cup very gradually, many times I don't need the whole cup.

Ingredients:
1 stick of butter
1/2 cup of milk
1/3 cup of cocoa powder - unsweetened
2 cups of sugar
1/4 tsp of vanilla
1/3 cup of peanut butter
approx 3 cups of quick oats.

melt the 1st 4 ingredients (butter, milk, sugar, cocoa) in a medium saucepan and bring to boil. Boil for 1(one) minute. remove from heat. add vanilla and peanut butter and stir until smooth. then gradually add oatmeal until desired consistency. if you boil the cocoa sugar mix correctly, you can use less oats(usually around 2 1/2 cups for me) and get a shiny flat cookie that doesn't crumble too easily. Use a small spoon to drop onto waxed paper to set.

enjoy!

Pasta fun!

2009-03-17T12:30:00.004-05:00

Monday nights are one the the only times during the week the kids and I don't have lots of activities going on and we can play together and have dinner. We did something last night I had not done in ages. We dragged out my old pasta press and made our own spaghetti noodles. I had forgotten how easy it was! We had a blast and even though the noodles didn't turn out perfectly, they were delicious. I used to have one of those fancy pasta machines but it was sold in a garage sale long ago because it made the process too complicated and messy. Making noodles with a manual press is more fun, easier and has much less clean up than a fancy machine. Dinner was ready in 30 minutes and we were all laughing and playing the whole time. Here is all you need.

semolina flour
eggs
salt
water
olive oil

one or more kids.

Most semolina flour packages have a recipe on the back but noodles are pretty basic. You can google lots of variations in recipes as well. Basically, it's hard to mess up noodles... so go for it!

Alternate Endings...

2008-12-18T13:29:00.014-06:00

My daughter came running to me giggling over some deleted scenes she had just seen from the movie Just Like Heaven. So she and I lay across her bed and we watched them together and laughed the whole time. Her favorite part was the alternate ending. She made me watch it several times.

And it got to me. The whole idea of alternate endings has always captured my imagination much like wishing for the super power of invisibility or strength. The ability to choose a different outcome seems on par with fairy godmothers and three magic wishes. But after watching this particular alternate ending, it hit me. We do have the power to choose a different outcome. We have been given that choice. Good or bad.

We make that choice by what fills our mind and what we find important enough to always remember. If we rewind the bad memories, mistakes and failures, then our happy ending will never be real. If we forgive, forget the wrongs, and remember the laughter, soft kisses, slow dances and long whispered conversations, we will make a lifetime of more beautiful moments. It's all up to us. We have the power to delete scenes... for ourselves and each other.

And this is what Christmas is about for me this year. God sent his son to this fallen world to provide an alternate ending... We no longer have to be carried along by our mistakes into disaster. He gave us the best super power of all, the power to forgive, forget, and to edit the outcome, just as he did for us on the cross. God chooses to delete our horrible scenes. So why do we keep them?

I don't know about you.. But I want the ending with all the kissing..

Happily Ever After....

Not so happily ever after...

CRAP magnet

2008-10-15T06:05:00.021-05:00

Tori and I have the best time together in the early mornings before she goes to school. She has to be there by 7am. Yuck. And today, she's helping me write this post. Our devotional topic today was 'crap'. We've been on the topic of controlling our tongue for several days. Today, we just summed it all up with the statement. "If you have a crappy life, it's because you complain and talk crap about others and yourself." You've sown crap with your words. I always thought of myself as someone with a firm grasp on this concept. But Tori was quick to point out how I talk about my 'pet peeves' and readily give myself permission to complain about them. I asked her to write down negative things that she hears me say. Here is the list:

I call other drivers who get in my way 'all kinds of stupid'.

Waiting too long in any doctor's office makes me talk smack about the doctor.

Facebook and myspace are for 'social retards'.

People who watch TV are 'time wasters'.

I look like crap today

Mrs. "so & so" needs to wax her eyebrows

I'm always late

I have a headache

I'm stupid

Why can't I EVER get anything done?

While looking at facebook, some people have no class.

My sweetheart's high school should be renamed 'Hooker High'.

If you're religious and want to judge my glass of wine, maybe you should lose 30 pounds first.

People are such hypocrites.

Okay, so this isn't even the whole list but I think half the people reading this might already be offended by my crappy mouth without me adding the MOST offensive and judgmental crap that comes out. Looking at this list, I've realized several things about myself including that I'm really not as sweet as I want people to believe. Duh. Maybe I'm the last to know. And, I have a lot of crappy days coming my way because quite simply, crap is what I've sown. The fruit of my life is going to be a 'whole load of crap'. I am a crap magnet and I'm surprised people let me stand near them. But most people are used to the flow of crap and they dish it right back out. Before my daughter was so brutally honest, I thought I had a clean, positive and life affirming mouth. Perhaps I felt justified in saying what I want to say. After all, if the truth hurts... right? Wrong. No one will reap the reward of what comes out of your own mouth more than you will. Granted, we hurt people with our words. But the full harvest of crap belongs to the one who sows the seed. Even if the truth IS crappy, do you really want MORE of it?

I believe that whatever we focus on, talk about and think most about, become larger in our lives. These things expand and abound. I've decided that I don't want more frustration, ugliness and stupidity; I want more blessings to flow in and out of me. I'd much rather be a blessing magnet than a crap magnet. What about the truth? It's true that we all possess both good and bad, we see what we want to see in others. The truth doesn't have to hurt; the truth should reveal beauty and potential instead of finding fault.

Proverbs 12:18 There is one who speaks rashly like the thrusts of a sword. But the tongue of the wise brings healing.

Now we have a glass jar sitting in my office and each time one of us catches another spouting crap, we have to deposit $2.00 which will be donated to our City Union Mission. So far today, I'm down $6.00. Tori loves our new project and her mom's new mouth.

coffee update

2008-10-10T06:09:00.006-05:00

Confession: For the past 3 mornings, I've craved coffee and caved in. The mornings here have turned very cool and the smell of the brewing coffee reminds me of my dad and his early morning ritual. I've been bad. In fact, this morning, I did not have any creamer. So I plunked a huge scoop of vanilla ice cream into the hot steaming cup... perfect.